& my world will be coloured.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

flooded by emotions

Today's horoscope reads:
"Deep emotions come your way. The trouble is, you are so intuitive that you can find yourself drowning in them unless you take care. Never fear. You get a burst of fiery energy that compels you to take action."

When i read this, i was wondering, what can come during this day? I was feeling calm, peaceful, and happy at the point.

But as of now when i'm writing this, i'm flooded with all kinds of emotions. Things that happen during the day can change how I feel swiftly, strongly.

Reading the newspapers...and thinking back upon what happened as mentioned in my previous entry, I begin to think about my family. I think i've reached an age, and my parents have reached an age, when i should start to think about what might happen to them. Today's newspapers featured May n Choy, the VJs with their mum who's battling a disease that could threaten their lives. It made me realise, that my parents are at risk too. Although i hope that they could be healthy forever, experience tells me that this cannot be. Not when I've gone through people losing their parents to illnesses, diseases etc. Not when that has happen to the people around me. I dont wanna know the truth, cos I dread what i will hear. My mum hasn't been the healthiest of people, and I fear what I can potentially find out. Simple ailments like arthritis, asthma, all have potential to evolve into more serious health problems. Without constant monitoring and medical expertise, it would be extremely difficult for one to find out what's wrong with oneself unless something happened...either excruciating pain or something else. I really dont wanna know....but not wanting to know doesnt solve the problem, and it might perhaps prolong the problem. I did ask them to go for full health checkups, after all, knowing is the first step to prevention or cure. But somehow, it doesnt seem to go through. I silently told myself that when i start working, I shall force them to go for one of these. Then again, many things can happen within this half a year.....though I hope that all goes well.

Been thinking alot today...have no idea why. I wonder if my mum made the right decision to force my bro to go to JC instead of his first choice of poly. I wonder if i made the right decision to encourage him to go to JC as well, though I did tell my mum that there's no point forcing him to go to JC when he wants to do otherwise. I really wonder. People around me come from all sorts of backgrounds. I have cousins who are school dropouts, those in normal stream, those that didnt finish their studies etc. It seems like I'm the only one who has somehow had a "complete" education. And i do wish that my bro can do the same. But his A level results are not up to scratch, which resulted in him not being able to make it to the three main local universities. And hence, he has to try SIM next. Oh well....although it seems like he's likely to make it, I'm being to doubt the decisions made earlier. Every decision made earlier on has consequences, and that being described above. I really dont know what can happen next. And i wished that earlier on she had made a different decision. That way, i wouldn't be so worried about my bro's future. Sometimes, forcing one to do something because of a certain belief you have might not be the right thing after all. It's hard being a parent really. You want the best for your child, but that doesnt equate to the child getting the best. Seeing some of my frens going to ITE and then to polytechnic, it dawned on me that sometimes the ends justify the means....and the amount of time you take doesnt really matter, as long as you get what you want...

FYP sucks at this point. I dont wanna mention the organisation in public...but it's screwing us up BIG TIME. Though i'm pissed, there's nothing much i can do about it. So if anyone's thinking of doing an fyp with an external organisation next time, better think twice. I'm majorly stressed out...because the organisation is so incoherent. The things they say, and what they do, are not in line. Yes, they are a reputable organisation. But so what, they failed to keep their word time and time again. Though they tried to make amends, it doesnt really help much. I've lost faith really. I started the project with zest and enthusiasim...but now i'm disillusioned. I'm not in the mood to put in much effort anymore. I know this has great impact on my grade, but somehow it feels that control is not within my hands anymore. I cant control what happens on the organisation side. Now the organisation is screwing up my project, my grade, and my honours degree. Maybe i should make this known to them. Instead of thinking in a short-sighted manner, i shall make known to them the consequences of such changes. Maybe i should...maybe not....i dunno. But i seriously regret working with them now. It caused me so much problems, so many changes, so many empty promises....I dont ever wanna work with them again.

Ever since holidays started for me, I've been playing my Maple Story daily. I like it. It takes my mind off things completely. I'm in a completely different world with no problems and lotsa cute friends...even though they might be young teenagers of my cousins' age. Life is so simple there.

well, I'm level 100 now....pretty happy with my achievement within a short span of time :D. The only bright spark in my miserable life. Can't blame me for being skeptical....not when everyone's giving empty promises. Perhaps they should go study Kant....if might provide a good guide as to how they should act. Act upon the maxim you will at the same time will that it be a universal law. If only...

allie ♥ 6:58 PM