Allie: Daddy's Beloved Princess

Taiwan 15 June 2010

2010-06-26T13:14:00.005+08:00

Reviving this once again because I want to note down the lovely memories of my recent trip to Taiwan. The last time I visited Taiwan was in 2005, when I went to Taipei with my mum and aunt. That trip was memorable for many reasons, some worth recalling while some aren't. But there are lessons which I've learnt from it. This time round, we've decided to keep the itinerary loosely planned. That's the beauty of free and easy trips - you can make changes as and when you want to, make worthwhile detours and simply go with the flow. Looking back, I've had a really good time with two of the coolest girls on earth. Would love to travel with them again :).

We flew Jetstar Asia and touched down at Taoyuan International Airport in Taipei at 6.30 pm. We took Freego bus to Rainbow Hotel to deposit our luggage, before heading to Taipei Main Station to collect our train and HSR tickets.

After we headed back to XiMenDing, we went for dinner at 飞天火锅.

This place is popular for its hot pots and we went for the buffet. The selection was alright, though some of the ingredients were rather interesting. I loved the dumplings, thinly-sliced meats and the three-in-one hotpot that allows us to choose three different stocks.

We chose the mala, tomato and preserved vegetable stocks. The mala was really potent! Hence I naturally gravitated towards the preserved vegetable one. The stocks are unlike the ones found in Singapore and contains ingredients such as pig's blood (mala), tomatoes (tomato) and three-layer pork (preserved vegetable), very interesting indeed!

Personally, I feel the hotpot is interesting but not mind-blowing. However, it's really nice to have hotpot on a rainy day like this!

After a hot and satisfying meal, we headed back to the hotel for a good night's rest before tomorrow's early train ride to Hua Lien. Oyasuminasai!

我爱他 by 叮噹

2010-06-25T20:45:00.001+08:00

第一次听到这首歌的时候，是在KTV。那时候，我感动到流泪。朋友介绍我看“下一站，幸福”，说我一定会喜欢。我真的去看，而且我也真的喜欢。最后一次听到这首歌，是在台北Partyworld KTV。那时候，是我在唱歌。感觉，很感动。歌词让我回忆很多事。但是，那些事感觉好遥远哦。因为我很喜欢这首歌，我决定和你们一起分享。希望你们也会喜欢。

我爱他 by 叮噹

他的轻狂留在某一节车厢
地下铁里的风比回忆还重
整座城市一直等着我
有一段感情还在漂泊

对他唯一遗憾是分手那天
我奔腾的眼泪都停不下来
若那一刻重来我不哭
让他知道我可以很好
我爱他轰轰烈烈最疯狂
我的梦狠狠碎过却不会忘
曾为他相信明天就是未来
情节有多坏都不肯醒来

我爱他跌跌撞撞到绝望
我的心深深伤过却不会忘
我和他不再属于这个地方
最初的天堂最终的荒唐
如果还有遗憾又怎么样呢
伤了痛了懂了就能好了吗
曾经依靠彼此的肩膀
如今各自在人海流浪

我爱他轰轰烈烈最疯狂
我的梦狠狠碎过却不会忘
逃不开爱越深越互相伤害
越深的依赖越多的空白
该怎么去爱

我爱他轰轰烈烈最疯狂
我的梦狠狠碎过却不会忘
曾为他相信明天就是未来
情节有多坏都不肯醒来
我爱他跌跌撞撞到绝望
我的心深深伤过却不会忘
我和他不再属于这个地方
最初的天堂最终的荒唐

如果还有遗憾是分手那天
我奔腾的眼泪都停不下来
若那一刻重来我不哭
让他知道我可以很好

Thoughts

2010-05-02T18:07:00.000+08:00

You know, I'm probably going to abandon this blog soon. I've been toying with that idea recently. Thinking back and recalling the time when I first started this blog, there are many many memories that I'd love to keep and would keep. But bringing them back has become really painful. Anything that triggered the memories from those years of my life brings tears to my eyes.

I've been asking why do the tears still flow. Perhaps because it was never dealt with in the first place. I never knew it actually hurt me so much until the day when I met with it face to face. The events that drew me the most tears weren't from recent events...how odd. I know, with all my heart, that I'm forgiven. Even when I did wrong, I'm forgiven. Even when I made the wrong decisions, I'm forgiven. Even when I don't deserve it, I'm forgiven. I know it, and I believe in it. But somehow deep inside me, I think the one who still couldn't forgive is myself. How ironic. Over time, I've learnt not to fret over that. When tears flow, I'll bring them to Him and He'll comfort me. Even when I don't always see a direct answer I know He's there, I know He is taking care of things and He is in control. I still get upset over how I feel but He never ceases to be my constant comfort.

The times when I'm down just made me more reliant on His grace, His strength and His goodness. When I look at how my life has turned around the moment I aligned myself to His word, I can only stand amazed. With my own two hands, I could have just thrown away everything that was meant for me and went to fight for it myself 5 months ago. But I didn't, just stood still and waited on Him. He never shortchanged me...5 months later, I see the fruits of that decision, the fruits of trusting in His goodness and the fruits of continued reliance on His faithfulness. As much as I was a part of it, what I'm seeing now was not the result of my hard work or my labour. I'm waiting and expecting this to spread to the other areas of my life - the other burnt stones which I bring, in tears, to Him.

I'm someone who can't focus on too many things at once. Hence I only bring one at a time. Though there are a couple which I know clearly. But this season, it seems like many things are being dugged out of my heart. Feelings I never knew existed, beliefs I never knew were there in the first place. A Father who mothers, who showers His beloved with motherly love...it's quite a mouthful, and to be honest, I still don't quite understand. Well, as I learnt today, love can only be experienced, not said simply or shown by meaningless actions. I'm looking forward to experiencing this first hand...and no one can take this away from me.

Happy Birthday to Me

2010-03-21T10:39:00.001+08:00

Thank you to all who've made this special day really special. Thank you my dear sisters, my dear friends, my dear family, my dear Father for being there with me and making it such a wonderful time of celebration. I truly enjoyed the company.

For those who don't know how much you mean to me, I won't elaborate further. I think it's tiring to keep making people understand that with my own efforts. I shan't do that anymore.

I had a really really good birthday this year and thank you all once again! Love you!

Moment of realisation

2010-02-23T13:34:00.000+08:00

As much as it's not surprising, as much as I've already suspected, I do feel outraged at being lied to once again. I cannot believe you anymore, I'm not able to, and I'm not sorry about it.

Smiles

2010-02-14T12:40:00.001+08:00

At 7 am yesterday, mum knocked on my door. My lost friends were found.

Yippee for another answered prayer!

Bucket of tears

2010-02-12T23:39:00.000+08:00

When I realised they were gone, I was reduced to a bucket of tears. They meant so much to me, so dear, my precious....

I wrapped them in a bag because I didn't wanna dirty them while spring-cleaning. Today I realised they were gone. And when I asked, I was told they were thrown away. I was stunned, speechless. Walked back to my room before I realised the extent of the matter. Tears flowed...those were my very precious. You can take away all the others but give me back my dog and my bear. They meant alot, alot to me.

They sat on my table, day in, day out, for 2 years 7 months. Now that they are gone, I feel a sense of loss. I don't know what I'm crying to this extent, but I know they meant alot to me, too much, in fact. Mum was surprised at how hard I cried and felt extremely guilty for throwing them away. As much as I wanted to comfort her and tell her it's okay, my tears betrayed me.

There's nothing I can do, except to tell myself that this happened for a reason. A hurt that temporarily ceased came back worse than before. One day it will cease to hurt...one day it will. But for now, I really really want my dog and bear back. I sat on my bed, gazing at my table every now and then, hoping to see them suddenly appear right there. Each time, I'm disappointed. Each time, they aren't there.

My smiley bear that never fails to cheer me up when I'm down. My graduate dog who always reminded of that very memorable moment of my life. I know the memories will stay, but the sense of loss, somehow overwhelms me at this point.

I want them back, badly.

I Simply Live for You

2010-01-25T22:06:00.001+08:00

I Simply Live for You

Say the word and I will sing for You
Over oceans deep, I will follow
If each star was a song
And every breath of wind, praise
It would still fail by far to say
All my heart contains
I simply live, I simply live for You

Chorus:
As the glory of Your presence
Now fills this place
In worship, we will meet You face to face
There is nothing in this world
To which You can be compared
Glory on glory, praise upon praise
You bind the broken hearted
And save all my tears
By Your word, You set the captives free
There is nothing in this world
That You cannot do
I simply live, I simply live for You

I heard this on Sunday and tears streamed down uncontrollably. These are not tears of sadness, but tears of love. I tried to stop but I couldn't, it just flowed. I stood still, in awe, rooted in my place. I wish I can stay in that place for as long as I live.

Sowing and reaping

2010-01-08T23:21:00.000+08:00

One thing I learnt this week was "You sow tears of sadness and you will reap tears of joy".

Sweet. However, it doesn't apply to everyone.

The good news is, it applies to me.

How sweet is that.

I was shown the reason for the tears. Not once, but twice. Time to enjoy the teary journey, for it will not last for long.

Restful increase

2010-01-03T21:15:00.000+08:00

This is sweet. I don't think there can be a message more apt than this. I'm happy, smiling, rested once again.

Labouring into rest has a whole new meaning to me now. 2010 is going to be very, very good :).

Getting my life back in order

2010-01-02T21:40:00.000+08:00

Suddenly, I felt the urge to clean up my room. The room that I've lived in for almost a year felt like it needed a makeover. It needed to be cleaned, it needed to be cleared, things need to go.

I haven't been feeling well for the past few weeks due to the super hectic schedule and lack of sleep. At the same time, I can't let this weekend go without clearing up the mess in my room. I gave up after finishing my two shelves, table, top cupboard and two drawers. Looking at the numerous cupboards with unknown things hidden behind those deceivingly pink doors, I kinda dread the rest of this mission.

Some things stared right at me, as if asking me if they can still stay. I threw them, everything, no mercy. Every single thing that's left hurts, and with one less reminder, I'll have one less thing to worry about. They have to go.

This wasn't the hard part.

Now when it came to those memories that I had from years ago - the cards, the little notes, the items...there were just too many. Everytime I pulled out something mysterious from the pile, it brings me back there. Tears fell again...I kept asking why, why does this keep happening. There's no urge to throw it away, not at all. Yet tears just keep coming whenever I see them. Why do I feel this way? I longed to find out...

It wasn't a niggling hurt that came to me unlike those items I threw. There was a certain sadness, feeling of lost, regret. Yet I can't quite put a finger to what it is exactly. Help...why is this happening...

Everything I remembered was nice and sweet. The only thing not nice was me...yet now, there's nothing more I can do anymore.

You know, I really don't wanna finish this mission. I don't know why I'm being taken on this journey, not that I've actually been through the full journey before, but I feel so lost. There are times when I'm being taken somewhere, but I know for sure how I'm gonna end up, headed in which direction. This time, I dunno...I really don't. It will work out, it will, for my good...but how, I don't know. I'm not sure I wanna know what will happen....because how I feel now versus what will happen is too big a disparity. I leave it all into your hands....just wanna have a good rest now.

Happy 2010 everyone :).

Memories

2009-12-22T11:57:00.000+08:00

This morning, I thought of my first trip to Bangkok. Tears filled my eyes. I wonder why...

And, I just realised I can't get an iPhone till June 2010. What a bummer...

My lovely hammies

2009-12-18T11:43:00.000+08:00

Watching my hamsters sleep is like watching my loved ones sleep. They're so cute, so lovely, and I'd never get tired of that sweet sight. No matter how naughty, how playful they are, they always remain as my beloveds. Chik Chik seems to have changed...not sure if it's the food that's fed to her that caused it, but she seems to be more playful and active these days, would struggle when I pick her up, but cute nonetheless. The fearless lightning bai is like an energizer bunny. Run non-stop, eat non-stop, yet remains super slim. They are a hilarious bunch.

Finally have a day off and I'm quite lost as to what I should do. I wish I had the entire house to myself, but at this point the areas I wanna use are being used by others. Sigh....gotta wait...lol oh well...

Tis the season of love and movies

2009-12-13T22:44:00.000+08:00

Those who watched New Moon will be familiar with this line: "You don't belong to my world". Strangely enough, it sounds very familiar to me. Killer line...if I were her, I would get right out and wouldn't wanna be part of it ever...rather than stay and wallow in my own self pity. Easier said than done, haha. The irony of it. The spirit of Christmas is in the air! I can smell it! I've been so busy I barely noticed that it crept up on me, threatening to engulf me in the spirit of love. I'm not ready! I haven't done my Christmas shopping, haven't written my cards, haven't prepared for it! It cannot come...not yet! Well, looking ahead, I do have two more weeks to go...lol. Mild panic attack there...sorry >.<.

I heard Storm Warriors was really bad, cringing bad. Yet, a friend of mine insists on watching it. Well, I too want to go and see for myself how bad it really is. After all the hype about it's 10 year delayed sequel, I had to see it for myself, don't I? I can't justify slamming the movie by simply painting pictures in my own mind. I just can't. Oh well, as if I had a choice...haha.

I'm tired! I need to go start on my notes but I'm still here! The procrastinator is back! Noooooo.....I shan't procrastinate further...ciao for now. 12 days to Christmas!

My Lightning Bai and Chik Chik

2009-11-22T22:51:00.002+08:00

My Lightning Bai aka Robowhite is a hilarious little creature. She moves so super fast that whenever she's scared it's difficult to catch her. At the same time, her transparent cage provides circus-like entertainment whenever I'm watching TV - she does stunts and runs around non-stop...super funny la.

On the other hand, my dear Chik Chik seems to be getting old. She eats less and less and does not seem as excited as before though she still bites the grills. I'm feeling a little sad looking at her like this. If she was four months old when I first got her, I think she's coming to a year old now. She's such a sweet and neat creature. Her food never gets thrown around like the messy Lightning Bai. She nibbles and licks me unlike the Lighning Bai who bites me hard. She's real sweet and very lovable...the one that attracts all the attention whenever there are visitors to my place. Lightning Bai just scares people away...lol.

Chik Chik...promise me you will grow up healthy and well okay?

Boo

2009-11-19T13:09:00.000+08:00

Boo!

I guess the letting out will only end when I'm completely over it.

Oh well.....life goes on.....busy busy busy!

Yearning to cry

2009-11-18T22:24:00.000+08:00

Do you know I yearn to cry? Do you know I yearn to let everything out no holds barred?

As much as I know what I want now, do you know the complex feelings I feel?

Do you know I wanna keep the book just because I don't wanna listen anymore?

Do you?

No.

Time to study.

You can have it

2009-11-18T11:08:00.000+08:00

You can have everything back. Nothing shall be left with me, just brings me painful memories.

I don't know how to put it into an envelope and mail....I don't remember the address and don't wish to remember it. Maybe put stamp on the envelope and it will bring it to the desired place? I may try that...

Good luck.

My hamsters

2009-11-15T23:01:00.000+08:00

I never had a special liking for hamsters until I met someone who did. Hence I fell in love with hamsters.

Now that he's gone, the feeling's different. If one day my hamsters go, would I get new ones? Perhaps...perhaps not.

Until I have a new love, I think that's not going to happen. Some things are meant to be kept as memories...others are meant to be kept by my side.

I don't know what I'm going to do, or what will happen. I only know that there's really nothing to worry about.

Deleted. Next, throw.

Lame moments

2009-11-13T23:23:00.000+08:00

Some of the lamest moments came while I was away.

I dunno whether to laugh or cry when I read them. It's interesting how people can be pushed up to first place so suddenly. Whatever, I don't wish to care.

Neither does it bother me. He doesn't deserve me, neither do I want him anymore.

So please, stop asking that stupid girl to tell me things. Ridiculous. You and her together make the perfect team and I wish you both outta my life.

Bye.

Something new everyday

2009-11-08T11:39:00.002+08:00

It's been awhile hasn't it? It just gets progressively more numb, words gets more painful.

I would be very happy being left alone. Biggest mistake and misjudgement ever made. Period.

Thinking vs Feeling

2009-11-06T20:50:00.000+08:00

I realised, since a long long time ago, I've already lost him. Long, long ago.

As much as I can stop myself from thinking, I can't stop myself from feeling.

Now every setback brings me to tears, breaking me down...

Just like today.

And once it tears, it never stops...until a brand new day starts.

People walked in and out, no one noticed, no one cared.

I just wish to let it all out...everything...now...

Last few moments...

2009-11-04T23:58:00.009+08:00

I came across this post...when I'm down, I can identify with almost anything - any feeling that has some form of relation or holds some kind of similarity with my own...

Just like how he promised, but never materialised. Just like how forever became transient. Just like how words are simply...words....

I immersed myself in work so that I won't have the time to think otherwise...

Savouring the last few moments...slowly, but surely...

I will live...

And this cake, will never fulfill the purpose it was made to do...

Thoughts

2009-11-02T21:52:00.000+08:00

Nothing hurts more than having someone you used to hold so dear wanting to erase you from his life.

Though I know it's good...for me...

Still, it hurts.

Can you imagine, if the closest person to you did this to you? Doing everything they can to keep you out?

As much as I don't want in anymore, it still hurts.

More pain, more sadness...lol...

If only someone knows how I feel right now...

Guess what

2009-10-29T22:57:00.002+08:00

Guess what. Someone said he wanted to start afresh, by removing me entirely. Good move. Now I have total peace.

Julia...oh Julia

2009-10-27T23:29:00.000+08:00

I scalded myself on Saturday while baking a chiffon cake. Mummy only found out this morning, and insisted that I pile on the toothpaste so that the skin will be protected and won't leave a scar. Daddy suggested treating it with cream meant for burnts and got scolded. Both love me, in their own unique ways. Somehow more relaxed today, cos the tension around me eased a little, the mood lightened a little. Many thanks to a dear pal who watched Julie & Julia with me as well...really took my mind off my situation and allowed me to be myself once again. I miss those days when I can be myself in front of people who are so familiar with me, and know me for who I am. Really thank you all for allowing me to be me, instead of expecting me to be someone I'm not...really appreciate that.

I love Julie & Julia...the movie feels so real, though it was really based on a true story. The way it was shot and made, really brought me into their world. I guess the reason why I could relate with it closely was because I do know the characters that were portrayed, and the topics...so familiar and close to my heart. Writing a cookbook is indeed not easy. The amount of research, testing and troubleshooting that goes into it, one can easily tell but how foolproof the recipe really is. Some recipes were written without testing, hence the results yielded from it varies greatly. Some experience success, some extreme failure. Care needs to be taken when choosing and buying such books, cos the effort that goes into each book can make or break it.

I love the passion Julia showed in her work, her determination in excelling in her field. It's inspiring for me...shows that it's never too late to learn and neither are you doomed to fail. A book I got recently is really set apart from the other books I own. The recipes are very detailed, and every one that I've tried, were absolutely foolproof (provided you're not an idiot in the kitchen). Baking from the book is always a great experience because you know you're going to get good results...just like having her in the kitchen with you. Lovely.

Flooded with thoughts after the movie, so many scenarios, feelings that I can identify with, so real. I love it. Also, it was great to have a real friend with me, who allowed me to be myself once again. Thank you for tonight.

Break

2009-10-26T22:57:00.003+08:00

I've decided...to give myself a break since someone won't give me one.

Go away, and leave me alone.

Tired

2009-10-26T12:12:00.002+08:00

Tired of people who thinks the whole world revolves around them. Yes, they are important people in my life. But when it happens time and time again and when the onus is on others to make that change, things can only go so far. It's about time people realise that it's a futile effort to rely on other people to make that change and keep expecting people to change without realising what is wrong about yourself. I've heard the argument time and time again, about how others are expected to do things and yet can't seem to reach the expectations of the requestor. Waiting for these people to meet your expectations head on is like waiting for the sky to drop on you, just that you don't know it.

To him, and to her, I'm always the wrong one, always the one who needs to change. Did I resist change? No. Does anyone know that I tried? No. I have to try to fulfill it, at the same time remain optimistic and not plunge into depression because of all the unhappiness resulting from these expectations. To them, everyone else is wrong.

The scenario I was faced with yesterday was ever so familiar. Telling all of us how we don't value her, ALL of us. I admitted I was wrong and what did she tell me? That I wasn't, that she was wrong. I agree with her also wrong, disagree, even more wrong. Nothing we say is right. Trust me, if you were in my shoes for one day, you would totally understand what I mean. But yet, there are people who love to think they know everything, the cause and effect and how my religion is the cause for all the unhappiness around me.

Some people just love it when other people can't sleep because of them, can't breathe, can't eat, can't live properly because of them. They get all the attention, and take it for granted that they will get the attention. Every time she walks away, it reminded me of how I used to do that. Whenever I wasn't happy, I would walk away, knowing that people would come after me. But did I ever realise how much hurt I was doing to those who love me? No, not until I was the one who had my loved ones walking away from me. If you knew how much it took for the battered self to keep on chasing, keep on following the person who walked away, out of care, out of love, out of concern...if only you knew.

Watching how daddy followed her despite her stubbornness, how daddy kept her company all night despite having to work and drive the next morning, how daddy was patient with her despite all the unreasonableness, how she was loved despite all that happened, I cried. I lagged behind, taking all this in my sight, tears flowing uncontrollably. I spent the entire day crying, the scene reminded me of familiar scenarios I've been in. The hurt inflicted on me, the hurt I inflicted on others, all coming back at once. I couldn't care less who is looking, and watched the sad faces of the two guys around me, and the angry face of hers. Hello....we are a family.

All along I only heard her side of the story, never my dad's side. All along it was about what she suffered throughout the years, hence it resulted in the behaviour today. This story sounds so familiar, just like what he told me isn't it. What he suffered at the hands of others, what he went through, hence resulting in the him today. Other people are human as well. If you don't want to be subjected to the same treatment, don't treat others like this. I admire daddy for his patience and endurance, I gave up already, but he didn't. Just like how a person I remember never gave up on me.

If only she knew how painful it is for him. It probably doesn't matter, cos what she went through is far worse than what others experienced. I cry, I get scolded. He scolds me, bro scolds me, mum scolds me. I can't even cry properly in front of the people who claim they love me. I don't need you to fuss over me, all I need to freedom to cry. You don't even need to ask or comfort me, cos I know once I wake up the next day, everything will be fine. It's too tiring to hold on to sadness and anger overnight.

Someone will tell me, stop acting pitiful.

Lol. If only I know how to act...

Disclaimer: If anybody THINKS I'm referring to you here, I wasn't. The person I'm referring to already knows it, without a doubt.

Lesson of the day

2009-10-23T09:44:00.003+08:00

Lesson of the day - it takes only one day for me to become like you but it takes a long time (if, at all) for you to become like me

Lesson of the day

2009-10-22T09:35:00.002+08:00

Lesson of the day - a good man don't tell lies

That numb feeling

2009-10-19T21:55:00.001+08:00

Feeling numb once again. Many thoughts and feelings going through me yet I'm unable to put them into comprehendable words.

Met someone yesterday that reminded me of someone I used to know. Oh so familiar, yet such a stranger.

Honestly, I'm feeling very unmotivated and lost, no sense of purpose or pride. Perfectly happy hiding in my room, curled up with a good book in my bed.

If not for the renewed passion for baking, I don't know where I will be now.

Just made these today...chocolate chip cookies.

Head over to Sweets and Loves if you're keen to read on.

None the wiser

2009-10-10T22:54:00.000+08:00

Today was a humbling day. The more I think I know, the more I actually don't know. Yet when things are revealed, lessons I learnt, I don't feel small or stupid. Instead, I feel enlightened and enriched.

I've always been reluctant to hate, trying to accept everything as much as I could. But a new lesson's learnt today - that if you don't hate something, you won't shun it. The tricks that were played with myself, playing on my strengths as well as my weaknesses, exploiting those very traits of mine, simply made this more pronounced.

You know, I realised I can say, but never mean "never". Cos who I am to say that I will never commit the same mistakes again? Never go down the same path again? I think it's ridiculous how people claim to promise and fail to keep their promises, yet keep making promises again and again just to keep breaking them each time. I think man ought to know their limits and stop uttering stupid words that bring chaos to the already chaotic world. Then again, man are the ones who brought chaos in the first place.

I've told myself before that I would be more careful, more selective next time. But in the end? *laughs* This shows how much wisdom and "intelligence" I have. I have alot more to learn....haha...

忘情水

2009-10-07T15:58:00.000+08:00

I woke up today with a song stuck in my head. I'd never been an Andy Lau fan, neither do I like the song. But this tune stuck with me, and I kept humming it the entire morning.

The bitter irony of it.

Lost it

2009-10-06T22:33:00.002+08:00

You know...I was having the toughest day today and in the end, i totally broke down when I reached home. I'm halting all formalities and niceties and being totally honest to the core here.

It was already a tough day at work, having sprained my ankle in the most unlikely of circumstances - i.e. walking in the office, with me sandwiched between two superiors and getting screaming attention from them. It was not welcomed, and it added on to the mounting pressure I'm facing from him. The harsh judgement, incorrect potrayal accented by the vulgarities. Enough is enough. Although I understand his point, I cannot take this. Neither do I deserve such treatment. No matter what are the reasons behind this behaviour, I cannot live with this treatment.

I wish people could just get off my back for abit...especially those closer to me. Cos I'm being squashed in one corner...all my own fault, I know...for giving way...for being unable to pull away and stand on firmly on my own grounds. I can't expect people to understand me and not push me. This is the real world isn't it...that I have to be pushed and squashed and squeezed to no end. Till there's nowhere else for me to go. Till I decide to break out of this cycle and move wherever I want to move.

Tears never flowed this hard, this fast. Everything just compounded, making things seem worse than it actually is. There I was, sitting at my desk, tears streaming down my face, people hounding me from the front, back and even on my computer...I cannot take it anymore.

Looking away from all this, I wondered if there's anyone I can turn to. And I realised, there's no one. All my friends have become "virtual" friends. That's cos everyone seems to have their own lives after getting attached. Some, I've tried to keep up with, but nothing came out of it. Others, seeing them happily leading attached lives, I've ceased to bother them or ask them out. No one seems to be real anymore.

I came back home and looked at my mum, my bro. They're always there when I needed them, yet there's so much I can't share....something holding me back, preventing me from sharing everything. And there are people whom I know will be there, but I've shut them all out since 7 months ago.

The only person whom I'm inflicting pain on is myself. Why am I taking all of this on myself once again? And putting myself through this bloody pain? The only person who seemingly "shared" my pain decided not to do so anymore, and inflicted more on me, oblivious to the damage that was caused.

Enough is enough.

I think I failed to defend myself when it mattered, I failed to walk away from the hurt, the pain, time and time again. Can I blame others for the treatment? No...because I allowed it. I allowed them to treat me like this....I made myself shut everything out, only to cause more pain to myself.

At this very moment, despite my circumstances, I know I have alot. Thanks to my job, my family, my friends, and even my colleagues. I can't say I have nothing, because I do have something. Though I've lost, it won't remain my loss forever. It's just so hard, to reinforce that to myself. So hard, to keep telling myself that it's true when everything just goes so wrong.

As much as I feel very alone, very down, very painful now, it's not the end of the world. It's one bad day at work, in life, one day in my entire life to date. I'd like very much to have someone to pour things out to, to just be myself without thinking about how the other person might think of me. I'd like to have that someone there for me. At this moment, there seems to be no one...and I'll have to make do crying alone.

I don't wish to pretend anymore...that everything is okay. That I can handle it, that it doesn't matter if people don't have time for me. I'm partly at fault...for pretending, for not pushing on, for not being thick-skinned enough to keep trying.

Just as I'm writing this, I received a message telling me how I've dashed his dreams, and, nicely laced with vulgarities. Sorry to say this, but this wasn't my fault. I don't wish to trace it to the root cause once again hence I'll just leave it to imagination.

Nursing my broken and bruised self...it hurts, literally and figuratively. It can't get any worse, can it? Tomorrow will be a better day, wont it?

Revelation of the day

2009-10-04T21:11:00.003+08:00

I learnt today that even love has an expiry date....haha...oh well...

Staying positive is the key to a happy girl.

Sick and tired

2009-10-01T16:11:00.001+08:00

Sick and tired of being happy one moment...and absolutely sad and disappointed over the next few...

Utterly disappointed

2009-09-30T16:51:00.002+08:00

As much as I am reluctant to admit and agree, you all are right. Total sianness and disappointment with myself.

Pain

2009-09-28T22:17:00.003+08:00

You know something...nothing hurts as much as today's blow to me, nothing. My heart is still hurting...alot alot alot...and I can't seem to stop the pain...

I was strong...merely for one moment when I rebutted those accusations...and then, I crumbled...again....

Memories

2009-09-27T23:04:00.001+08:00

Memories...can be happy or sad, worth remembering or worth forgetting. The memories that I used to hold dear to me, that are close to my heart, has now turned into memories that hurt and brings tears.

Today was yet another day when I was reminded about how lousy a person I am, how unknowledgeable and ignorant I was in his eyes. Enlightening indeed. And this time round, Im definitely super, extremely disappointed...and decided I shall not be stupid again. I shall not elaborate more...I think those who know me will know what I'm getting at. Even if i speak in riddles, somehow you'll understand.

Trying to stash away those memories deep deep down so that I cannot retrieve them...yet things that are handed to me on purpose just dug them all up once again. Things at my door, things in my home, in my room, on my laptop...so many. Enough is enough.

"Don't cry" were the words for me...so were "things you've lost shall be restored". Sweet sweet comfort amidst of the turbulent times in my life.

On a happier note, I had a great, great weekend despite all this. Thanks to a sweet friend who happened to have extra tickets to the Formula 1 race. I opted to go for qualifying, and it was a great experience.

These are the stuff I got to remember my first-ever F1 experience. From left - F1 survival kit, ticket, brochure and the tag from a Ferrari tee. Honestly-speaking, I would prefer watching the actual race itself, hence I only opted to go for qualifying to experience the real thing itself. The tickets were just too expensive for me...I would rather go for a holiday than pay so much for this. But it was worth the money. The race was beautiful, set against the nicely-litted CBD. It was well-organised and felt like a carnival with a great party atmosphere, instead of a pure sporting event. Though there weren't that much to see on the race track, except for cars zooming past real close, it was fun. Watching the race on TV, hearing the invigorating sound of the cars zooming by and the smell of burnt rubber, it's not exactly pleasant, but that's what the real experience brings. Food is expensive, toilets are jam-packed, roads are blocked and human jams every where....nevertheless, i enjoyed the experience. At least now I can say that I've been there once. But to pay over $300 for that ticket, hmmmm there's still a whole load of convincing to do.

Sunday was family day. We headed over to big aunt's place to eat Satay Zulut (no idea how it's spelt). It was yummy! Though nowhere near the authentic Malacca one, but yummy all the same. And to see my nieces and nephews, it was a real treat. They were just so entertaining, so funny. I enjoyed visiting my relatives, especially this side of the family. My grandma has moved home, and is stay at my aunt's place for care-giving purposes. She looks frail, but is able to walk now. Still needs help though...hope she gets better soon.

Just finished watching the race on TV and Lewis Hamilton won. He's quite a personality...charming and a good, distinctive driver. I enjoy watching him race...and I like watching Button, Rosberg, Vettel and Alonso. Ferrari was disappointing, but I'm glad to see the non-favoured teams shining this season. It's great for a change....makes the sport exciting and less predictable.

Well, now I wonder, what's next...? Crying is definitely not on my list.

If only

2009-09-25T23:40:00.000+08:00

My lightning Xiao Bai has evolved into a teleporting escapist...grrrrrr....it's getting harder and harder to tame her cos she just moves non-stop!

If only she was slower and more friendly to me...life would be alot easier.

If only she wouldn't bite me...life would be less painful.

If only she would cooperate and be tamed by me...life would be alot happier.

Those...are not really the if only's that are on my mind...lol. Sidetracked.

If only I am appreciated a little more...I probably wouldn't feel so unworthy.

If only someone told me what the end was...I probably wouldn't have let it start.

If only someone told me the truth...I probably would have known.

If only I didn't allow myself to be weak...I wouldn't be crying.

I thought I was being the little girl I always wanted to be...going with the flow, enjoying being cared for, enjoying being a follower. Turned out that the little girl was just a facade. She was expected to be strong, to be that 打不死的蟑螂公住, who just won't give up, who'll will just keep giving in, keep hanging in, yet soft, gentle, easy-going, loving and a keen follower all the same. Peculiar...yes. Ironic...yes.

If only I wasn't the me I am today...I wouldn't have started all this and be in this position.

But the point is...I am me. And that is a fact. Sometime tells me I always paint myself as the victim. Fortunately or unfortunately, this time round, I really am. Instead of feeling sorry for my own plight (which doesn't change anything), I probably should be more constructive.

Everyday wake up dry-eyed, go to sleep in tears, wake up feeling as though I haven't slept in days. I don't like this. I feel helpless...yet I'm seemingly able to help myself. That is, if I resolve and decide to do so. Sometimes when the entire world tells you the same thing, no matter how hard you try to shut it all out, it inevitably gets in. 哭有时，笑有时...sometimes life's lessons can also be learnt...in places where the issues are made up rather than real. Yet some people aspire a life like reel....the irony of it...lol. I'm guilty of it sometimes...cos things just don't go the way you want it to. I can dream, can't I?

My love will get you home

2009-09-22T22:39:00.003+08:00

If you wander off too far, my love will get you home.
If you follow the wrong star, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
Get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If the bright lights blinds your eyes, my love will get you home.
If your troubles break your stride, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
Get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If you ever feel ashamed, my love will get you home.
If its only you to blame, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
Get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

Watching 唐心风暴today, I cried, tears streaming down my face. A scenario which resembles a real life one playing right before my eyes...yet the end is so dissimilar, foreign even. What's left are the ''what if's'' and ''if only's''...no reality, no truth.

Feeling lost...so many things going through my head I feel like it's gonna explode. Who understands? The person who claimed he does, so many times, actually doesn't...not at all. You said I chose, and repeated what I chose. You're wrong...what you saw with your own two eyes aren't the truth...in fact, far from it. You told me to seek my happiness, what constitutes my happiness? You don't know.

What makes me happy? A life that's carefree, with the person I love and whom I love there for me through thick and thin, through happy times, sad times, challenging times, growing and feeding off each other. A relaxed mind, spirit and soul, with clarify and conviction. A loving heart that's willing, compassionate and forgiving. Unfortunately, a person who's so close to me, knew so little about me.

What did I choose? Not a religion, not a certain group of people, not a lifestyle, but a person. A person who's willing to be with me through thick and thin, happy and sad times. A person who understands and know my heart, my character, my strengths, my weaknesses. A person who makes me grow, allows me to grow, supporting me throughout. A person who's always there when I need, especially in trying and challenging times. A person who respects me as an individual, trusts me as a partner and loves me for who I am.

Why am I so adamant? Because I can't see that person...not anymore. The more you tell me, the more you try to convince me, the more you try to sway me in a certain direction, all these acts against the principles of the person I chose. Moreover, a person who doesn't listen to me...merely confirms my own 'importance' in his life.

The things you said, might be true. No one knows what exists and what doesn't. People go by sight, believe what they see more than what they can't. You are adamant about your own choice, I respect that, which is why i never argued against your point, just kept repeating my own feelings, views and opinions. If you recall, I never argued against your stand, never bothered. Two reasons - one, you'd never listen to me and two, it doesn't matter cos you're fully entitled to your own views. You said you understood me for repeating...now on hindsight, do you? Conclusion was made based by sight, as it's been rightly pointed out by you, you can't trust me, not at all.

You may be right, that I'm silly to believe in what I believe. One day, who knows, I might find that all this is just a lie. But till then, do you know? You said you don't...then why be so adamant about it? Yes, it's your choice. Even if I die, it doesn't change anything, it doesn't change how you think and your decision. This is the killer line...just shows how much I mean to you.

It's strangely funny that people love to act superior when they claim to have certain 'knowledge' over others. What does knowledge do? Does it make them better people? Does it cause them to make better decisions? We all feel that it does. Even in believing, the knowledge that things cannot appear from thin air, it must come from somewhere, led us to believe that God created us. The tree of knowledge vs the tree of life...it's a neverending debate...and a non-conclusive one. At which point does knowledge end and life start? When that point is found, that's when true 'life' starts...

I always found it humbling when people admit mistakes, admit they're wrong, admit they're responsible even when they aren't. The willingness to give up their so-called 'face' for their lower-placed subordinates, for their spouses, for their children, for love, is humbling. There's no glory in submitting to the strong (they won you hands-down anyway, what's so difficult about it) but there's glory in submitting to the weak or those lesser than you. It takes true humility and a big heart to do that.

Mind you, I never said I was any of those above. I'm not. I'm far away from the person I ought to be...and the person I want to be.

In the show, it was a struggle to tell someone that he's forgiven. And with every minute those words are held in the heart, there's no release. You are forgiven, I don't hate you. Like you said, it's tiring to hate...and it is. In the show, he said he was the one who never understood how much he hurt her. No one will understand how much I was hurt in the process. Day-by-day accounts on the moments that passed without her...the memories, the love still lingers...

Haha...it's just a show. I'm being my usual dreamy and melancholic self again. Shall stop here and continue in my dream world....goodnite...

Thoughts

2009-09-18T16:30:00.002+08:00

I was reading a friend's blog about a recent incident and cried. I must admit I'm ultra-sensitive these days...cos of all the things that are weighing down my heart and mind. From it, i learnt about sweet, selfless love. From it, i learnt about the importance of treasuring those around you. Every whimper, every small, tiny complaint, has the potential to lead to something big. And two incidents that happened within the space of two weeks have caused me to see this ever so clearly. This needs to be a constant reminder to me...to love and treasure those that have always been there for me through thick and thin. Seeing beyond their words, their actions, right through to their hearts. I know their intentions are good, though the means bewilder me at times. Some hearts, despite my efforts...still can't be seen clearly.

I recall mummy's words when she told me "if he hadn't let you go, you wouldn't be in this state today would you". Now thinking...her words are so true. I'm not a person who can break ties or relationships with a simple line or action. I'm not someone who can leave just because i feel im being unfairly treated. No matter how im being treated, i don't think i'll ever have the heart to leave if he keeps coming back for me. And I actually never realised this until today. Yet mummy knew, all along, exactly how her daughter was like. And I'm just running behind to catch up with her in a race to know myself.

I am resigned, exhausted. The series of events just showed me clearly how a relationship takes two hands to clap. If the right hand move towards the left but the left moves away, there's no synchronisation, no synergy, no sound. It's the constant effort in aligning yourself to the direction of movement of the other hand that produces the sound. I feel like the hand that keeps moving to find the other, while the other hand keeps moving away, motioning for me to follow in whichever direction it goes. If i swing hard enough, it hits, but only momentarily. I might miss a second time, a third time, only to hit it again at the fourth try. If i stop trying, the hand won't come and find me. And the resulting silence is deafening.

Silence rings in my ears. Silence all around in my life. It's gonna be quiet...quiet...quiet...until I move again...until a hand decides to reach for me...

All alone

2009-09-17T22:03:00.002+08:00

This is the third consecutive night I'm left to cry alone.

I know i shouldn't be beating myself up about it, but i do. I wish I could really do everything. But who cares about whether I'm happy or not? So what if i've done everything? When I cry, nobody cares still. When ppl walk away, i still have to chase. When I walk away, i still have to contend with being alone. So what if i did? A simple outing becomes a non-event. Simple happiness turned into floodwaters that never ceases.

Who cares about whether I retain any part of what makes me the person I am. Who cares about whether I'm happy doing all these. Who cares about my life, my health, my wellness, my happiness? As it all turned out, no one does. It cannot coexist, cannot.

I told myself to be strong. Yet all the strength translated into tears upon the closure of my room door. The nights spent hiding beneath my blanket, wetting my sheets with tears. Days spent with hourly drops of eye mo to wet my dehydrated eyes. I feel so helpless...the tears just won't stop. I'm just being pushed to one corner...does anyone know how it feels? I want to do so, very much....very much! But who cares about me? Who cares about how much my heart hurts right now?

Sometimes I wish I'm more hardhearted. Take things in my stride and just refuse to cry or look back anymore. But I'm not. Why? The pain in my heart just keeps coming, more and more painful each time I breathe. And nobody knows or cares...how do I get used to this. I need to...

Drop me a line if you care......it hurts...way too much...

Sometimes

2009-09-15T22:50:00.000+08:00

Sometimes no one cares even when you're crying...

Happy with myself

2009-09-12T23:29:00.003+08:00

Oddly, I'm happy with myself today. For what reason I dunno...but more relaxed...more comfortable...more at ease.

My dear Xiao Bai has moved to a new home! My favourite cage i've been eyeing for sometime has finally been bought! This is my new sanko-wild cage in pink. Super transparent so I can watch every move she makes.

See her prancing around her new home...so cute! And at last, resting in her favourite position on the wheel. I've relented and put back her tunnel for her as it's her favourite hideout. Still waiting for the day when she will not bite me anymore...lol.

You know...

2009-09-04T16:09:00.005+08:00

You know?

How it feels when you are concerned about someone who's unwell and ask about his whereabouts? He refuses to tell you and end up some other person was there?

>> Like shit. I'm worried here about you and yet you don't wanna tell me where you are. Probably cos you don't want me there, probably because someone else was there with you. Ouch...at least, the flowers made it there.

How it feels when because of that, he says THAT person was there for him and I wasn't?

>> Like shit cos I have no idea that happened? I asked, and asked, and asked and asked and asked and you wouldn't tell me? And I'm being blamed for a crime i wasn't even aware of?

How it feels when that someone tells you his ex always understands and always "listens" to him?

>> Like shit cos the place shouldn't have belonged to me. Seemed like i barged in when the place obviously belongs to someone else before.

How it feels like to be called ugly names when others are lifted up and called "serious, loving, sincere"?

>> Numb.

Why do I ask so many questions...because the first was never answered and not only that, subsequently the person refused to answer. Hence I became a stupid, naggy, inquisitive person who simply don't hold a crystal ball or has telepathic powers to read his mind.

Just. Not. Good. Enough. For. Him.

I concede defeat.

Tears and Love

2009-09-01T22:13:00.006+08:00

I was on my way home, tears raining down my face...missing someone dearly. Thoughts ran through my mind...how he promised things will work out, how he promised he'll overcome his personal hurdle despite my doubts and questioning, how he said he will do it.

In the end, everything turns to naught. Nothing can be done. When the only request made to me that I cannot do, it spells t-h-e e-n-d. I couldn't control it, tears fell in sheets....my heart crying out in pain. To me, this is totally unfair...totally, unfair. Yet the blame was put on me, saying i chose this route. Yes, in a way i did, if i have to take the blame. But what about all the promises that went unfulfilled. What about all the "I will" and " I can" that became "i can't" and "i cannot". I feel victimised for a crime that i did not commit, i feel wronged, feel punished, feel betrayed. I had enough of keeping everything to myself.

Is it my fault for not being able to accede one single request? How about the other requests? There's no compromise, the only way was for me to give. And if I can't, that's it. The "compromise" that was worked out before, turned out to be a facade for what lies beneath - an illusion, a mere diversion from the original route.

Why am i able to stop trying? Because........i......have already done my best. Truly, sincerely from my heart. The past week i searched my heart, my mind, my soul. Is there anything i withheld...anything i did not do when i could....anything that I could have given way even more. The answer is...no. I really exhausted myself of all that i could. Yet my own two hands cannot keep a simple story going.

Everything that happened simply leads me to see that by my own effort, I cannot make it work. IT showed me, clearly, that words are simply cheap. So what if I do what I say...so what? Others don't hold that same thought, hence it doesnt make sense for me to hold others to the same thought. Silly me...when I told myself I wouldn't believe in such words again, I did. What does this say about me again. That even when I try, by my own effort, I cannot do it. Lol....what a joke.

Though I reject the pain. It keeps hounding me. It hurts....too much....too much to bear. Whenever I'm alone, I crash. I can't be alone....whether outside or at home...I can't. Yet I crave that privacy, that space, where I can cry all I want and nobody will know.

My heart is bleeding....screaming in pain.....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mummy bought me a Gucci bag. I was taken aback, yet at the same time overwhelmed by her sweet love. Mummy told me that she knew I wouldn't bear to spend that kind of money on myself and hence wants me to have it. Since other people's daughter have it, her daughter should have one too.

You know...tears rained again. This time, it's not tears of pain, but tears of joy. Touching moments like this really make my day. Love is the sweetest in times of adversity. When you feel the whole world is against you, you're crying in pain, and yet a loved one comes and lights up your day with loving words, a tight hug, or a sweet gift. Recalling the times when I cried so so badly...and my face litted up when it dawned on me how much they love and care for me...which soon turned into tears of joy. Those....are really the most memorable moments. Moments that make me appreciate them alot more.

Looking at my family....though I'm not rich, we don't own a car, don't live in a big house...I really have everything. Thinking back to words that was told to me by him, suddenly it dawned on me that I should be thankful for my loving family. People don't comment cos it's bad...people comment cos they're envious or feel it's unfair for me to have that. Honestly, I'm glad I have people to turn to whenever I'm down or in need. Despite the arguments, the disagreements, the scuffles that we have, I know deep down, they're always gonna be there for me.

Many times they've told me not to give my heart away so easily...yet that very trait that makes me the person I am lets me down again. Lol...I can't do it myself....i need help. Sorry to friends whose advice i didn't heed. I'm thankful that you all support me no matter what I do, regardless of whether you feel that decision is right, because of who I am, not what I do. If friendship can be so sweet, what more, a lifelong love, an eternal partnership can be.

I was told I expect alot. To me, I don't. If I did, I wouldn't be where I am today. I would be working real hard in some high-paying job, driving a car and having it all together, not giving a damn over people who don't bother about me. If I expect alot, he wouldn't have made the cut. It's interesting to see how a simple comment actually shoots itself in the foot, but people can't see it.

On one hand, give heart away too easily, on the other hand, expect alot. This doesn't seem to gel. Oh well, I've accepted the comments saying that "lyd is better" and "even ysl (so pretty) also cannot find such a good guy". Hence, the redrawal. The former is disappointing. If I can't even measure up in your eyes, why bother in the first place. The latter, is simply, hilarious. A pretty girl standing right before you and you don't think she's pretty and keep looking to other "pretty" girls. Lol i concede defeat...in that view, not mine.

Ok, enough ranting for today. The tears that rained for the past 3 hours have ceased, for the time being. Time to catch up on my "beauty" sleep...goodnight.

Lost cause

2009-08-28T23:43:00.006+08:00

Searching for a person that intentionally disappeared from my life...it's a lost cause.

Scenario not new to me, just unexpected. Each step i take, i return to the familiar scene, where the same things happen once again. I already know the outcome.

This ought to hurt...very much...i reject this pain. It shall not come near me.

Truths are uncovered...I see things much clearer now...albeit from another perspective, from another person's point of view.

Keep seeing the same girl whom i don't wish to see though i know someone else does. *laughs*

Rainbowwwwwww....where is my rainbowwwwww

Time for the chocolate chip cookie showdown!

Part 1 features a cakey chocolate chip cookie recipe. Screwed up the baking time in my first batch cos i insisted on browning it though the tips tell me not to *laughs*. My second batch was better, third batch, perfectto! Yikes, this words reminds me of Pizza Hut pasta, which gave me *sadly* stomach flu. It sux, yes i know. But my love for food will never ever change...muahaha.

Reviews from my family were positive for this cookie. "The taste was good," said mum, "but it was a little hard" (referring to the first batch). Yay....finally found a way to one of my favourite cookiez!

Love

2009-08-26T23:05:00.008+08:00

My mind feels peaceful, heart in a mess. Everything feels quiet, yet inside is all stormy, shaky.

Sometimes the more you do for a person, the more the person won't see or appreciate. Favour by works - this theory doesn't seem to work. At times when you fail, and just release the control outta your hands, that's when you'll see things fall into place. Looking at the various life experiences, like exams...the better i think i'd do, the worse the results. And when i think i failed and did horribly, i came out with flying colours. Sounds like a weird theory...but...it seems to work.

In terms of relationships, the ones i try the least, turned out well without much effort. Well, not completely without effort, but without trying against the flow, against myself, against my heart. I wonder though, why does trying not work, why does doing more not yield better results, better relationships? The truth is...i know it in my heart...lol.

Somehow, a part of the peace came from the fact that i know i did everything i could. Did i withheld anything? No...none at all. Pushed to the limit, there was nothing that i did not consider or do my best for....hence the resignment too. *laughs bitterly*. Oh well.

When a loved one fails, do you move to correct him/her or do you love him/her into wholeness and let your love transform? I'm guilty of the former...usually too quick to correct, to reprimand...and fail to take a step back and understand from their point of view. Perhaps by loving them, being patient, understanding would be a much better option. Results may not be seen immediately, but im sure seeds were sown in their hearts. Thinking about the times i was reprimanded by my loved ones...it just got me more hot-headed, more stubborn. Yet the times when they softened and logically analyse the situation with me, that's when im most willing to listen. When you look at yourself in the mirror in a loving way, somehow that transforms you to be someone better.

A person's upbringing is often shown in the way they react to and handle things. Someone close i know may have been told many negative things about himself when young, treated in an unkind manner and heard many unkind words....somehow it shows in the way they treat people. Just like how i'm quick to reprimand and correct, how i'm picky on things and how i'm easily emotional, cry and anger easily. This mirrors someone close....so alike....

I told myself i don't want to be a parent like this...cos my kids would likely end up this way and that's not what i want. There's still a long road ahead, a fulfilling life to live and many more things to do.

Mummy once told me "你是妈咪的宝贝。你会找到爱你的人，会很开心的". How rare is it that mummy will say these words to me. But when she does, my tears flowed immediately...not of sadness, but of joy...joy of being loved...joy of knowing how much i'm loved. Knowing how much you're loved makes you appreciate your loved ones alot alot more....

Silly me went to buy these tau sar piah just to get a feel of how it tastes like to be at the receiving end. And the answer is...heartwarmingly sweet =).

Working on a new personal project...am hoping it'll be done soon. Haha...looks like i'll be shopping alone very often!

Hurt...

2009-08-18T18:32:00.009+08:00

Feels so weak that i can't muster the strength to do anything...anything at all...

Dreaming of a lone picnic sitting by our usual spot, enjoying the sea breeze and beautiful sunset...wish to do it as often as i can...my place of solace, peace and rest.

Everything that passes by seem like a blur...nothing's real, nothing's concrete, nothing stays...so fleeting, transient, unreal...

Time has slowed to a crawl...can you believe it...it's only Tuesday. Seems like eons ago when the flurry of activities happened...eons ago...but it was just....last week...

Don't feel like going anywhere...not even home...wishing for my favourite peaceful and quiet spot...

Future plans dashed...they no longer served any purpose. Neither do I. What's there left now? What is there to do, to look forward to, to plan, to build? I can't see anything...neither can i dream of anything...

Thoughts came to a stop at this moment:

Me: The polar bear is so cute! I want to go and pat the polar bear and play with him!
BB: Polar bears are wild and will attack humans.
Me: They look so cute...how can it be?
BB: You never watch discovery channel ah...they are fierce predators and will kill you if you go near
Me: *shudders* huh....isit....they look so cute like teddy bear
BB: You silly girl...

There's only one place i can be now......just........one....

Stillness...

2009-08-14T19:35:00.001+08:00

Life has come to a standstill...i'm rooted in my original place, thinking about the "would be's" and "could have been's"...not inching even a milimetre ahead. Looking forward does not hold any meaning to me now...

Glancing up from my tear-stained sheets, everywhere i turn, it rained...heavily. Couldn't see anything beyond my outstretched arm...no one out there...no sound...no love...

It's dead quiet...the silence is deafening. Mind is blank...there is nothing to do...nowhere to go...nobody to meet...nothing to go for...nothing to look foward to...

Don't dare to turn my head...where things have passed in a blur and left me a chain of broken promises and unfulfilled words. Whenever i turn, enormous amounts of effort is needed to pull me back...to calm and breathe...

Stumbled upon an old blog which made me laugh...unexpectedly...distracted me from the self-pity state that i'm fully comfortable wallowing in right now. Gosh...many things i never noticed then...showed up clear before me now...what a contrasting picture...what a staggering difference...

There's nothing i can do anymore...the issue was me all along...and since the issue was me, the only solution is elimination...

So out goes the girl who's supposed to have at least 50 more years of shelf life...there...simple and easy...

Sunshine came out in one world...oddly contrasting against the perpetual rain that poured in mine...sad and gloomy...

Weather forecasts say that torrential rain is expected on all days... and likely will continue throughout the rest of the year...

How unexciting...

Where's the rainbow...

2 days

2009-08-12T09:39:00.003+08:00

2 days was what it took to undo an entire year of work and recovery...2 days.

hate guys and wish to have nothing to do with them ever again.

each step along this forced path seems extremely familiar...good or bad, i dunno. Only know I'm almost certain that i can expect to come my way...not new at all.

think it's only normal for me to categorise them under the same header and expect the same behaviour now...

No regrets

2009-08-11T13:55:00.003+08:00

You told me "no regrets". Twice. Thank you, goodbye.

Needed to get all these outta my system before i go crazy. Came back from Redang with a lovely mind and relaxed spirit, all ready to start afresh, all set to tell you everything that i've been meaning to. Not only do i not get the opportunity, everything became my own fault. Things have constraints because you constrained them. I never believed in "never" because everyone has a choice, are able to make decisions that change an outcome. I always believed it's a decision to do something, rather than attributing it to something within our "self" that can't be changed. That's a simplistic and rather lazy point of view.

Now it's my fault for not giving a the chance to work things out. Even when the cause was the "walking away" that did it. But eventually, it's ME, my fault. Yes, like i said, i will accept it gracefully...and exit your life. Since you ARE happier this way and will have no regrets. I'm gone, for good.

And for all my well-meaning intentions, this is how i'm treated. And for all the empty promises, this is how they're fulfilled.

And for all that i did despite you walking away. I showed up and waited, and waited, and waited, to no avail. The things i made, so that i could say sorry, can be thrown away right now. I feel betrayed, let down, disappointed, hurt....no words can describe how bloody stupid i feel right now.

Everything that was supposed to happen, didn't happen. Why did everything lead to this? Because you first walked away...and you have to blame everything on me. If it makes you happy, yes it's me. All that i said, about the things i wanted to say and do, remain empty words to you. Other words seem to take priority. The beautiful images and scenarios in my head, will now remain as scenarios. I will always remember this day as the day you tell me "no regrets".

Thank you very much...goodbye...

Back from holiday

2009-08-10T20:28:00.007+08:00

Just came back not long ago from a lovely vacation at Redang Island. It was a family holiday, a very enjoyable one with loads of sun, sea and sand. I even got an unintentional tan from there...lol. Well, i shall post some pictures soon. For the time being, here's a sneak peek =).

The beautiful Redang beach...

Me underwater with the colourful fishes!

Heh...im feeling puky these days...maybe the aftermath of my sea sickness which plaqued me throughout the trip (too much sea activities plus the cruise on our way back)...but it was fun!! A very good holiday in simple terms.

Today started well but ended like crap. Sometimes even when things aren't caused by me, everything gets put on my shoulders. Whatever it is, i've done what i can and i'm resigned now...being told things that hurt so much i cant imagine i still wont budge. But if it's really like what was told to me, i'll accept it, as long as the result is a smiling one.

Honestly, im not in the mood to do anything right now...i feel silly enough...enough is enough...whatever you want, you'll get. I'm done. Not smiling, not happy, but someone else is...so yes, let it be.

Looking forward...

2009-07-31T10:29:00.002+08:00

Been on mc for almost 5 days now...thanks to the dreaded "flu". Heard from mum that the radio reported almost 90% of flu cases are H1N1...bosses sent me home from work just in case those with other medical conditions are infected. Rawrrr, i feel so much like an outcast. But yea, i understand la....im shunning from my family members too, all high-risk people who cannot be infected. I urge those who have prevailing medical conditions, please wear a mask when you go out or go to crowded places...for your own safety and well-being's sake alright. After all, we are also responsible for our own well-being.

The symptoms are still there....i wish it could clear up soon...else my holiday next week is gonna be affected. So looking forward to the holiday, for a relaxing time away from everything else. Just wanna spend some time alone.

In the meantime, spending time cooped up in my own room at home is not exciting at all. There's work to do, but other than that, i'm pretty bored. I sleep, i eat medicine, and yet the next morning, i'm not that much better. Yikes....i kinda hate this...and it shall pass by the weekend, i hope.

TGIF everyone...it's the weekend!

2009-07-23T13:08:00.002+08:00

You were still within sight, within reach, beside me on Monday...and in a matter of days, everything changed. No longer within sight, within reach, can't find you anymore....

Seems like a memories into the past has taken things away...further and further away....

No one's gonna be there for me anymore...

New House

2009-07-14T21:23:00.003+08:00

Chik Chik has moved to a new home...

New pink cage for a pinky girly hammy!

Because Xiao Bai has moved in! Xiao Bai's too shy to take photos so it'll have to come later...she bites though...ouch =(. Still waiting for a day when she won't bite at the sight of my hand...

Now i appreciate Chik Chik more cos she never bit me before...hahaha...love love!

.....

2009-07-02T20:27:00.002+08:00

Not getting the response, the care, the concern...nothing...

will anyone notice if i disappear one day? perhaps not...

when can i stop doing this....when.....when....

Bring the rain...

2009-07-01T23:23:00.003+08:00

Can't hold it this time round...it had to pour, and it did...

Meaning's lost......gave it a shot, gave a chance but nothing came...nothing...

Not even a goodbye...

When the care and concern cease to exist above others, it seems there's no place left for me anymore...

Leave me alone....

2009-06-29T11:13:00.003+08:00

Gosh, I learn something new today...only realised what was happening now....lol....feel like the silliest person on earth.

I don't feel like doing anything...ANYTHING at all...

Leave me alone...or enter at your own risk cos I bite...

STOP....NOW

2009-06-26T10:24:00.001+08:00

Need to STOP wallowing in self-pity and get my life in order...

RAWRRRR

Feeling Crap...

2009-06-24T10:38:00.002+08:00

You know I'm feeling crap when I don't feel like talking...to anyone. As much as i hate being misunderstood, i can't explain further or save myself anymore. The situation's staring back at me in my face...it sucks but i can only take it in silence.

I wonder who understands...is there anyone who does? The true reasons why i'm doing all these are locked inside my heart, only known to those who seek the truth. It hurts...so much...self waning away and the hurt reigning over me. It sucks....and I can only wish it passes.

If the heart don't hold the key, I wonder where else to find it. Sometimes it's easy to look on the surface and fail to dive beneath that facade for the truth. Or perhaps, the truth is not what is desired...but rather, the overhanging facade.

I'm not perfect. I'm human, flawed and real in flesh. It's beyond my means now....

Chik Chik

2009-06-21T22:50:00.003+08:00

My Chik Chik! Super cute!

But she's getting naughtier with each passing day...now attempting to climb out of her cage! She used to be so timid...don't dare to even look out of her home....look at how brave she is now...haha.

Mixed feelings...

2009-06-19T11:08:00.002+08:00

You told me my version my freedom doesn't exist...does it really not...?

Tried to understand things from your point of view...some things i do see, some i don't...

Is it really like what you said? The piercing words forming a sharp contrast against those words said months before....

Sorry....for being such a disappointment to you...

Tears...

2009-06-17T17:16:00.000+08:00

Who believes in me?

If the closest people to me don't....i dunno who else will...

Tears...

Waking up from a dream...

2009-06-17T12:46:00.003+08:00

Didn't wanna wake up today cos i was afraid of facing the consequences. Everything was good last night, discussion went well and suddenly after that, things came crashing down again...

Went to sleep in shock, reeling from the effects of the words that flashed acrossed my eyes...

Alarm rang and i went back to sleep, thinking that if i never woke up, nothing would change...

Once i woke up, everything seems to be status quo...and yesterday's conversation stuffed in the bag of archives...

Happy breakfast...Happy Day ahead...it seems...

Now, everything crashed.....yet again...

Pinch me, am i awake or asleep? I don't seem like a regular human being anymore...

I just need...need people to believe that I know what I'm doing...that's all...

Sweet moments...

2009-06-16T13:41:00.002+08:00

Today's breakfast touched my heart...a lovely lovely breakfast that brought out no words...but surprised me and warmed my heart. The effort that goes into taking care of the little little details, to perfect the works - the art and taste. Thank you for the loveliest breakfast I've had...no words can describe it....brought a smile to the teary face...the feeling's bittersweet.

Lost.......in my own little world....

Tears...

2009-06-13T00:14:00.000+08:00

Tears....again....

The collage left for me, the long post....overwhelming me....

I'm sorry.....

Feeling it....

2009-06-12T14:24:00.003+08:00

Read it, word for word, seen it and felt it.

It's like having insight into another world...i know, truly know. Am i being blind, stubborn or just staying true to myself? I dunno...never been in this position before...

Sometimes i feel things could be easier if i weren't who i am...but i am already who i am now...and how is that to be changed? I don't mean for all this to happen...thinking back on the route i've taken to get here...i think much has dropped out along the way...

Perhaps i'm being seen as unfeeling, hard-hearted...i think if you know me, you'll know how exactly i'm feeling now. The carefree, smiling me is just a facade for the complexed emotions running through my veins and heart.

My heart melted when i saw those pictures and read those words...yet there are things that i can't do at this point. Just wanna be accepted for who I am right now, if i can't be accepted wholly now, what about the me of the future? The continuous process of discovery and acceptance is not going to get any easier......

Lost....

Can't see beyond the veil of tears...

2009-06-08T12:57:00.008+08:00

如果你也听说 by 张惠妹

突然发现站了好久不知道要往哪走
还不想回家的我再多人陪只会更寂寞

许多话题关于我就连我也有听过
我的快乐要被认可委屈却没有人诉说

夜把心洋葱般剥落拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候想你更多

如果你也听说有没有想过我
想普通交朋友还是你依然会心疼我

好多好多的话想对你说悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和舍不得又无可奈何

如果你也听说会不会相信我
对流言会附和还是你知道我还是我

跌跌撞撞才明白了许多懂我的人就你一个
想到你想起我胸口依然温柔

Can't see beyond the veil of tears. Sometimes i feel silly, but i'd like to think that's part of who i am....i can't help but keep giving...perhaps till i can no longer take it..

Mummy and Daddy made alot of sense. But sense to me can only go so far. It's not that i didn't know. I knew, all the while, but still chose the path i took...and still will choose the same path if given a choice. To me, if only everything can be explained in words...but it can't...love and logic don't seem to go hand in hand. I'll still choose to think the best of people...that what happened wasn't by plan but by chance. I'm vulnerable, i know...unless i see a need to change, i'm comfortable this way...

Girl needs to jia you....

Conclusion...

2009-06-07T19:50:00.006+08:00

Pain is an understatement......

Chik Chik, daddy has gone away for awhile...mummy will take care of you for now...

Daddy told me i always give too much of my heart away...perhaps i do, but that's what makes me real and that's what makes me me. All i can say is that i've given it my all...dreams once again come crashing down on me......

Moments of Truths

2009-06-04T09:42:00.006+08:00

It's amazing how i'll need to be truthful with myself for two incidences within the same day. I'm truly amazed. There are instances where the truth hurts, and doesn't lead to the desired outcome for the good of everyone. Yet when the truth doesn't come out, someone hurts.

Perhaps it all boils down to a choice that's to be made. Even if i can't be happy, seeing others around me happy makes it all worthwhile, doesn't it? The wave of joy and gladness will eventually spread to engulf me in it.

I figured that in both incidences, there are things that shouldn't be said, no matter what the circumstances are. Perhaps i do think too much, like i was recently told. But still, that's what makes the me today, doesn't it?

The person i really should be honest with is myself. Even if i can be truthful to others, if i'm not honest with myself, it's not going to help. I dunno how to be completely selfish and go for what i truly want, but I think i know what to do....follow that peace from within my heart...i truly truly hope, that everyone will be happy after this.

If God opens the door, no one can close. If He closes the door, no one can open it.

Love,
allie

Tears...

2009-06-02T23:52:00.002+08:00

I can say i tried my best....but still, it turned out that i didn't do enough and that i was a lousy girl after all....

perhaps happiness can be found elsewhere and not in me....

speechless....

Need a reason to live on...

2009-05-28T20:22:00.006+08:00

Tears...tears...and more tears....

I can't see the screen anymore....

What is the true meaning of life....

I need a reason to live on.................

My chik chik is so cute...

Seeing her makes me smile....reminds me of happy days....still, that doesn't give me enough reasons....

Wanna hear my paiseh3.wma again.......

when i finally know what i want...

2009-05-11T21:22:00.003+08:00

when i finally know what i want...what happens? Things slip through my fingers...

when i finally know what i want....things disappear....

when i finally know what i want....when i finally get my indecisive mind to decide on what exactly it is that i want....i could no longer touch nor grab the object of desire...

wonder what the future holds...Lord keep me safe under the shadow of your wings, for it's there that i know everything will be alright no matter what happens in front of me...

more thinking

2009-04-23T00:26:00.002+08:00

It's been a week since my last post...more things happened...at home...haha. Funny that i can even laugh at this point...perhaps life shouldn't be taken so seriously...look on the bright side where the light of the world is.

Been talking to mummy quite a lot these days...i enjoy these conversations with her...she not only understands...she gives great advice, which, i might not always take, but it's great to hear her point of view. I can see the perks, the positive results the incident has had on my family...and i believe we'll ride through this stronger than ever. Just feel a little bad about not being able to tell someone close...but oh well, hopefully everything's fine now. Can see the sincerity, genuineness and heart of a certain someone now...

For my own life, things are happening...i wouldn't say all are good at this point....but i believe things will eventually work out somehow. Listening to my paiseh.wma gives me a reason to smile amidst all that's been happening. I feel there's nothing much i can do...maybe it's not about doing after all...things that can be done have already been done. Work is amusing to me at this point...laughing as i go along...somehow i miss being able to laugh at everything that happens around me, taking things easy as they come and go. It shall return...slowly but surely...

A smile brightens up the day!

Thinking...

2009-04-16T22:18:00.005+08:00

This feels strangely reminiscent of a certain situation that happened before...it better not roll out in the same way. I believe it will not. Tears rolling down like never before...hands shaking...lips trembling...mind's blank...helpless...

23.54 pm
Just talked to mummy....her advice's always the best...told me to clear my head and go to sleep and talk to her another day about what i've thought about....i love mummy. Though i don't tell her what is going on, she knows...everything...there's nothing i can hide from her and nothing i need to hide from her...knowing that is already sheer comfort to my heart and soul...time to sleep...

The two very beautiful bouquets newly added to my desk - gifts to me from my dearest.

Update

2009-03-23T23:58:00.002+08:00

Don't really have the time or mood to update this blog these days...just wanna say a big THANKS to all those who've wished me Happy Birthday and i appreciate all the sweet sweet wishes. I've had a great birthday week this year with my dearest.

Work's been busy and is gonna be busy for some time...many challenges currently...struggling, but surviving......hopefully there'll be more updates soon........more good news i hope!

Take care my friends...

Weekend

2009-02-22T22:40:00.003+08:00

Allie is soooo tired. I've had an amazing amazing weekend (details later). I'm contemplating taking down this blog and putting up another one......still in the works i suppose.

The entire weekend was filled with so many activities, i literally ran from place to place, didnt have much time to sleep either. Things happened to some friends, i wish i could be there, really, if i'd known about it.

Sometimes it just takes too much outta me to continually have to dig......i would give up after some time. Not feeling too well right now, and i reject this cos it's not supposed to happen! Been feeling puky since Sat...but i shall be healed in Jesus name!

Need some sleep before the early morning meeting tomorrow.....wonder if i can still watch the match...hmmm

I will sing

2009-02-16T20:28:00.002+08:00

I Will Sing by Hillsong United

For You have set me free
You're all that I seek
Your love completes my life
You're the air that I breathe
And the Saviour of the world He's the reason I'm livin'
I will sing

And I will lift my voice to the one who has saved me
I will sing
I will sing
And I'll cry out for more saying Lord I need you
I will reach out
Im reaching for more of you in my heart

And I will wait on You
In the stillness Lord
Listening for Your voice
Pure as gold refined
In Your presence Lord here where I belong

2 Corinthians 9:10

"Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness"

Renew my heart and mind

2009-02-12T19:33:00.013+08:00

So tired that I could fall asleep standing, really. Been rushing work for 3 nights in a row...time for a good sleep. Lord bless the rest and renew my heart and mind! Will need Your supernatural strength and power for tomorrow!

Wanted to bake something...but realised there are no eggs in the house. So i ended up making chocolate truffles! Lol....well, it was my first try and it turned out pretty alright! Edible, at least...lol.

My truffle collection!

And a close-up

Packed in the box

Well, looks pretty decent to me! And tastes pretty alright. Next time i'll try it with even better quality chocolate. Used Ghiradelli this time round and i do fancy the taste of it, just not the production process...lol.

Looking forward to miracle seed sunday!

Genesis 8:22
"As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease."

Refreshed, renewed

2009-02-08T22:56:00.003+08:00

Wow...my prayer today was answered exceedingly abundantly above my expectations and imagination. Lord, you never fail to amaze me, really. I asked for a double portion and to see you in a radically new way, afresh, like never before. Not only did Pastor confirm my prayer...You made it come to pass. Thank you Father...

Knowing that you heal is one amazing thing, but seeing it happen right in front of my eyes is a totally different story altogether! Goodness, i was so touched i could burst into tears right there on stage. I believe that what you are doing for them, You will do it for me and my family. And i pray to see miracles happen to my loved ones. Not by might, not by strength, but by Your spirit Lord. Let it inundate us...fill us...

Thinking back on the past week...Lord you always had the answers, even before i know it. Work that i never knew could come my way...came...and You prepared me for it. My healing....now i know without a doubt that it was You who healed me...i give thanks and praise to You Lord.

With You, good things shall keep coming!

Blessed Chinese New Year

2009-01-24T02:03:00.006+08:00

Blessed Chinese New Year everyone!

Just came back from service and supper. Really enjoyed the awesome word and service today. CNY just took on an entirely new meaning for me...once that has Christ right in the centre of it....making all things beautiful and meaningful.

Pastor said today, to walk out knowing how blessed you are. And we truly truly are blessed, especially when we already have the greatest blessing of all, Jesus Christ himself. Clothed in His divine gift of righteousness, blessings shall swarm and overtake us...glimpse of what is to come in this acceptable year of the Lord.

One verse really spoke to me, which is this:
Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Seeing it in an entirely new light...and taking it to sleep, with me =)

Feeble attempt at Horlicks doggie Cookies

2009-01-13T15:57:00.003+08:00

Wanted to bake something new for CNY...decided to try out this Horlicks Doggie Cookies. Here are the results (try not to laugh too loudly k)...lol.

My very first cookie...loooks somehow like a dog with a very big nose! Lol...cos i used ghiradhelli's choc chips which are bigger than the usual size.

Second batch of cookies waiting to go into the oven...looks...seemingly...dog-ish...heh

Somehow, they expanded in the oven and came out looking more pig-ish...lol....ended up with piggie cookies. Haha i give up!

Will try again next time....tired now....offtobed!

Dunno what's going on

2009-01-04T00:22:00.005+08:00

I went happily...

Somehow i came back pensive...

Troubled heart, weighing me down...

Was truly and sincerely happy with what i saw...

But something unrelated affected me more...

Something i hadn't expected...

I don't know if i can do this...

It's hurting....

Perhaps it's too much...i dunno...

What is going on Lord...why am i feeling this way...

I need answers..........show me....tell me.....try me....

New Year's Eve 2009

2009-01-02T11:47:00.014+08:00

If anyone told me i'll be doing overnight cycling for New Year's eve weeks ago, i wouldn't believe a word of it. But I did...He came through for me =). I've always wanted to do overnight cycling since Hall days...but never got to do it cos i wasn't good at cycling at all. Thank God I came back safe and sound, with minimal scratches and bruises...and with a mind filled with wonderful memories of the past year.

2008 has been a great year for me, one that passed by pretty fast, but also one which i've had the most memories of and enjoyed the most in....probably the only year which i can remember what went on from start to the end. An excruciatingly painful start led to a sweet sweet ending by the last day of the year. All things made beautiful through Christ are truly truly beautiful indeed.

Met the lovely girls and guys at East Coast to grab out bikes before we headed to Old Airport Road Hawker Centre to have a quick dinner.

Enroute to One Raffles Quay...the cheery ladies!

Watching the beautiful fireworks at One Raffles Quay. The view was fantastic! It was the first time i got such a clear and near view of the entire fireworks display...wow...

The girls...happy after the countdown!

And now with the guys, who were really nice to help us with our bikes and tiny mishaps along the way...lol

Sparklers time! This was such a surprise...one of the guys brought this along for us to play with....reliving our childhood times!

Happy me!

Hmmm...those look like fireworks behind us....or do they?

This shot was supposed to show where we are located...hahaha

Our next stop, Marina Barrage. It's a beautiful place, really. Loved the place at night, cool, great view and fantastic open spaces...

Playing games!!

And of cos...what better way to end off the night than...more phototaking!

Thank you lovelies for the best New Year's Eve ever!

On another note...so many things went through in my mind the past week. Things i never thought would come into play now...perhaps it's time to face them, rather than run away like what i used to do. But...many things are unknown, unclear, uncertain as of now. Lord let there be wisdom and clarity in these situations, let your grace shine forth and love embrace me like never before...

Alright...time to sleep off my fatigue and aches!

Magical Christmas

2008-12-28T00:36:00.003+08:00

I've had the most wonderful Christmas ever. My first as a Christian and my first time celebrating the season that Jesus gave. In the past, it has always been just another reason for gathering with the family, a reason to be joyous as everyone else is joyous. This year's special...as we gather to celebrate the birth of Christ, our Saviour, our Lord, our Redeemer, we come together to remember the reason for this season. The love of Christ truly touched me in this season, ever so real, ever so special...simply magical....but it's not. It's so so real...with Christ in the centre of life, everything falls into place nicely, perfectly, seemingly with no effort at all.

Today, there was no awkwardness. And i heard the best words spoken to me throughout the past week. The answers are so simple...i am Daddy's Beloved Princess...who can intimidate me? Everything that happens....is natural...and there's no need to feel compelled or afraid. With Daddy on my side, nothing really stands in my way.

Sweet memories of this Christmas linger ... firmly etched in my mind. Jesus, the reason for the season and the greatest gift of all.

Always with me

2008-12-21T20:34:00.003+08:00

The past week has been a traumatising one for me. Don't wish to repeat what happened anymore...just wanna forget about it. It does have one lingering effect on me though...puts me further away from guys...

Would very much prefer to be left alone, really.

The consciousness of the Lord being with me has blessed me, with Him around, all things were taken care of without me even trying. Just have to sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.

Today's Christmas service was amazing. Love being in the choir, serving and praising the Lord. I can't fully describe how i feel except to say that it's magical. When you are standing there, looking around at the thousands of people coming to worship Jesus....it's an amazing amazing feeling. And I get to see my favourite pastors close-up! Haha...that's just an additional bonus....it's all about serving the one who loved me first.

The coming week shall be a blessed one, one full of His favour, grace and glory. Let us celebrate and remember the reason for this season - Jesus, the greatest gift.

Love's Come Down

2008-12-15T00:58:00.005+08:00

So looking forward to Christmas. It's a busy season....but it's great cos it's all about Jesus! Let's enjoy this jolly season and spread the love to all those around us and furthermore.

Love's Come Down

Love is now within us
Emmanuel
He is the reason
We celebrate and praise

Love's revealed His glory
Grace came down
Dwelt among us
Gave His life
To redeem us

Brought eternal peace and joy
Joy to the world
Love's come down

Under the shadow of Your wings

2008-11-29T21:23:00.002+08:00

After two weeks of feeling crappy...finally found the energy to be happy, to laugh and be merry again....all thanks to Daddy!

Wasn't feeling well the entire week and after the cg prayed for me, it was great!

Looking forward to tomorrow...yet feeling nervous. Lord, let it be good. Let your abundant grace come upon me, your favour cover like a shield and You be magnified =)

What more could you not give...

2008-11-16T20:07:00.002+08:00

Yesterday i caught a glimpse of the former self in someone dear to me...it's almost like seeing a mirror image...watching myself go through that journey.

Today, i learnt that that former self has been crucified with Jesus at the cross. It no longer exist today...

The emotional outbursts...the release of pent-up anger and unhappiness...holding onto so many responsibilities, so many self-expectations...the unrealistic expectations of others to read one's thoughts, to know how one is feeling...the crave for attention, for concern, for love...

Sounds familiar? It definitely does to me.

It feels so empty...so lacking...desiring worldly things to fill the heart that cannot fill the void permanently.

As the saying goes...Love can overcome all odds...i believe it applies...though only for the perfect love - the unconditional, underserving love of God that has the power to overcome.

Honestly, i was at such a loss, i completely didn't know what to do. I could have been angry, frustrated, annoyed...but i wasn't. Instead, felt concerned and worried. Though i can't see it happening yet...it will eventually work for my good. The One who has carried the weight of the entire world on His shoulders...what more could He not give...for He shall restore far more, exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think...

Shalom...

Sweet revelations

2008-11-03T23:22:00.010+08:00

Our dear teacher Wendy shared something very precious at the end of practice and it spoke to me. She shared that when the incident that used to hurt you no longer sting anymore, this means that healing has been done. Gosh...it's like double confirmation of what i shared with my sisters yesterday...sweet. She also shared that one should strive for the prize in front of you and not look back at what has already been done. Pastor's sermon on sunday was so powerful...brings us back to the foundation - the cross, the finished work. It's so beautiful and seeds are being sown into my heart.

Lord you never fail to surprise me, to amaze me, even when i thought you've done it all and yet more things are being done as i speak. Thank you Lord...for restoring far more than what i've lost before...and in you i've found so much more that can't be found anywhere else in the world.

Here in my life by Hillsong

I have never walked on water
Felt the waves beneath my feet but
At your Word Lord, I’ll receive Your
Faith to walk on oceans deep

And I remember how You found me:
In that very same place
All my failing surely would've drowned me
But You made a way

You are my freedom
Jesus you’re the reason
I’m kneeling again at Your throne
Where would I be without You
Here in my life, here in my life?

You have said that all the heavens
Sing for joy at one who finds
The way to freedom, truth of Jesus
Bought from death into His life

And I remember how You saw me:
Through the eyes of Your grace
And though the cost was Your beloved for me
Still you made a way!

Memories are made of these

2008-11-03T15:24:00.019+08:00

What are memories made of? I used to think memories are everything that's happened in life and left their footprints in your life...both the good and the bad. However along the way...i realised that memories are left by choice. Making a conscious decision to delete the bad while preserving the good makes memories more worthwhile to keep. And while i'm doing that, God makes sure those memories that i've put away don't return to bound, but instead bring joy to my life.

This is sweet. Daddy's beloved little princess is enjoying her beautiful life...

It's really rare that you get to meet a group of people who aren't afraid to be themselves, letting their hair down and doing crazy things together. These memories...are so precious...

We are going going going...

...to The Mind Cafe =)

Excited to play games!

Everyone happily tucking in!

Playing "Guesstures" - Bible version of charades!

And my favourite game of the nite..."Taboo"! This is fun!

No idea what this game is but they look very funny...lol.

After 3 hours of board-gaming...camera-whoring time!

To our next destination...Pasir Ris Park!

Reliving childhood times...this is hilarious...Margy can't move!!

The spinning disc that got all the girls super giddy and nauseoussss...arggghhh

Two hamsters on their exercise wheel...lol

Though we played, laughed and also (puked), it was all in the name of fun!

Memories are made of these...

It's all for you

2008-10-30T00:14:00.001+08:00

So tired...from practice. It was great fun! And the thought of serving the Lord excites me....loving it =).

Run by Hillsong

You were God from the outset
Powerful and creative
You who saw us here before you called
All the stars and the earth to existence

You are God you are Holy
History is you story
You, who was and is
And who forever will be
God we live for your Glory

So we will run
All together our hearts aflame
With a fire that can't be tamed
Our God all Glory to your name
Jesus

You are God you are freedom
You're alive now within us
You who saw us here before
You conquered the grave
And delivered on the promise

We will run
Our surrender to bring you fame
Our desire that you be praised
Our God all Glory to your name
Jesus

Fall Afresh On Me

2008-10-25T01:53:00.004+08:00

Lord...let your love and your grace fall afresh on me all over again...

Thank you for tonight, thank you for blessing me with a family like this and for the supernatural grace and favour that covers me...

In the darkness, God's light shines

2008-10-19T21:07:00.007+08:00

Today's service was awesome. It was very uplifting (though all of the services are), especially amongst the gloom that surrounds us. Every day for the past few weeks, everything i read in the papers is about the gloom and doom. Every person i talk to tells me "times are bad" or "you should worry about our economy". I don't deny that there is darkness in this world right now...and that times are bad for many...but that's not for us. It never was meant for us. Amidst all those that's happening around us, we are placed in the cleft of the rock Jesus Christ, sheltered, shielded from all the turmoil, the mess, the destruction. Oh Lord, blessed is the man who's in Christ. As the world gets darker, the church shines ever brighter...for His glory...so supernaturally beautiful.

As you walk with Him, his heart is revealed...ever so pure and wonderful...

Off to another topic. While on my way to church today, i took a cab. The taxi uncle turned left towards PIE, which wasn't the usual way i get to church. And so i asked, "uncle, how are you going to Suntec?". Uncle replied, "By CTE or Nicoll Highway". From my knowledge, CTE doesn't lead to Suntec, it could be either ECP or Nicoll but not CTE. And i told him that. So he said we'll go by Nicoll then. I was rushing for time, the impatient side of me fuming at the lost of time and the mistake in directions. The taxi driver made a huge round back to my home, before heading towards Nicoll Highway. Then, i was so ready to take it up with him, to demand that he charge less for my cab fare due to the detour. But i hated the fuming me....and hence i complained to the Lord and keep asking Him whyyy is this happening. He just told me not to worry, and he'll take care of it. FRom then on, the journey was smooth, no red lights, no traffic jams, smooth all the way to church. My usual cab fare to church would cost 7 bucks...but this time round the meter showed 9 bucks. By the time i reached, i was at rest, peaceful, leaving everything up to the Lord. And at this point, the taxi driver turned to me and asked, "how much do you usually pay for your trip here?". I said, "7 dollars". And he replied, "then just pay me 7 dollars will do." My goodness, it was amazing. Without me even trying to fight, the Lord delivered me! Praise God!

The incident left me very touched. Nothing is too small for God...he just wanna be with you, by your side, every time. Oh Lord...you are so good.

Friday's care group session was awesome too....shines light into the situation at work. Praise God.

Yesterday's gathering at my colleague's house was great too. Learnt many things i never knew about them and myself...and how they saw me. Interesting...that through their words, His glory is shown...goodness.

So so in awe of Father God...He never fails to amaze me...time and time again. So many things to share this week about His goodness and His faithfulness....like a spring that blossoms into a glorified flower....

Ciao for now....will be back to share more :)

Testing My Snowflake Cookies

2008-10-08T23:08:00.002+08:00

Time for my Christmas Decorated Cookies practice session 1! Haha...sounds like F1. Made a trip to Phoon Huat yesterday and it almost went outta control. They had so many new stuffs and i could have spent the entire there...as well as my entire wallet >.<.

Well! I couldn't bring myself to spend 90 bucks on the snowman cutters from Shermay's...and hence i got a snowflake cutter at almost 2 bucks, a real bargain i would say! Armed with my new toys, i went on to try out the recipes from the class.

Here's my first batch of snowflakes. Looks pretty neat to me.

Close-up of the just-out-of-oven snowflakes.

MY very first frosted cookie! Next to Chef Jocelyn's one and it pales in comparison...haha. It shall remain my motivational target!

The second design...seems to be looking better!

My precious snowflake packed neatly into a gift box...

There...my first effort at making frosted and shaped cookies. More will be coming up soon...heh.

Holiday Cookies Class at Shermays

2008-10-05T00:56:00.004+08:00

Hi to all those who are stopping by =).

Was intending to have a quiet saturday with myself but this turned out to be a hectic weekend packed with activities. Can't even squeeze in a short run at the park!

I finally attended one of the baking classes at Shermay's Cooking School today! Weeeee! It was really cool and fun! It was conducted by chef Jocelyn Shu, whose blog can be accessed via the link below:
http://brandoesq.blogspot.com/2008/09/decorated-christmas-cookies-2008.html

This class was for Christmas decorated cookies, which i've been meaning to try out since last year but didn't manage to. The class was great! She was really nice, gave detailed instructions and was very patient when it comes to Q&A. Those lovely cookies she churned out were soooo beautiful it's hard to put your teeth through them! Now i can't wait to make some of it on my own...will have to try it out a couple of times first! Guinea pigs, any volunteers? >.<

Here are some photos taken at the class (ps: pardon the poor quality photos cos they were taken with a camera phone while jostling among the crowd and with overcast shadows ):

These are soooo amazingly gorgeous. Can't wait to start baking!

By the way, i also discovered that Shermay stocks many good ingredients! Those fruit-flavoured extracts, pretty cardboard boxes and cookie cutters will make me go back for more. Sadly, it's a tad far for me. But i'll definitely be back!

Alright, i'm done for the night. Signing off now...ciaoz!

Emptiness filled with His love

2008-10-01T19:44:00.006+08:00

Well, when i first saw it, it hurt...

And now, it hurts no more...

Carrying the whatever attitude and living for His glory.

Always greatly blessed, highly favoured and deeply loved =)

What About Now by Daughtry

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

Thoughts...

2008-09-29T21:15:00.015+08:00

Sometimes i really don't understand why i do the things i do...though i tend to just go with my heart and with the flow. A couple of things i did recently just made me feel really stupid. Perhaps i shouldn't even try at all...perhaps i should just stay away. And yes, i am upset, though i have no reason to be.

You know...another friend of mine suddenly disappeared some time ago without saying anything. If you are wondering, i did notice. And if you are wondering why i didn't contact you, i'm wondering the same thing too. Miraculously, you appeared, yet you disappeared. I wonder why. Well, drop me note if you're still there =).

Saw another friend's nick that made me really concerned too. If you need a listening ear, i'm here.

Haven't been blogging much these days, cos i'm too tired to. So many things on my mind, and so many things to do. Tired physically, but mentally going strong. Thanks to Daddy God keeping me strong and sane. Someone once told me that he sees favour in my life...and it keeps circling in my head. You know, knowing you have favour in His eyes is one thing, but hearing that from someone else and confirming that is another thing all together. And to me, that's really music to the ears. Thanks for letting me know =).

Nothing much to update really...why not just let the pictures do the talking =). Here are some pics taken at a brother's birthday celebration at Aston's.

Thank God for His favour, the Aston's management gave us the entire inner section to our CG! We had the whole area to ourselves!

The earlybirds getting a little bored here...

While the rest are still waiting for their seats...

Comfortably seated and waiting for all our food to arrive...camera whoring time!

Food's here! Time to tuck in!

Birthday boy blowing out the "magic" candles...haha...

Final group photo...

Really huge crowd at the birthday celebration this time round. It was good fun =).