You know, I'm probably going to abandon this blog soon. I've been toying with that idea recently. Thinking back and recalling the time when I first started this blog, there are many many memories that I'd love to keep and would keep. But bringing them back has become really painful. Anything that triggered the memories from those years of my life brings tears to my eyes.
I've been asking why do the tears still flow. Perhaps because it was never dealt with in the first place. I never knew it actually hurt me so much until the day when I met with it face to face. The events that drew me the most tears weren't from recent events...how odd. I know, with all my heart, that I'm forgiven. Even when I did wrong, I'm forgiven. Even when I made the wrong decisions, I'm forgiven. Even when I don't deserve it, I'm forgiven. I know it, and I believe in it. But somehow deep inside me, I think the one who still couldn't forgive is myself. How ironic. Over time, I've learnt not to fret over that. When tears flow, I'll bring them to Him and He'll comfort me. Even when I don't always see a direct answer I know He's there, I know He is taking care of things and He is in control. I still get upset over how I feel but He never ceases to be my constant comfort.
The times when I'm down just made me more reliant on His grace, His strength and His goodness. When I look at how my life has turned around the moment I aligned myself to His word, I can only stand amazed. With my own two hands, I could have just thrown away everything that was meant for me and went to fight for it myself 5 months ago. But I didn't, just stood still and waited on Him. He never shortchanged me...5 months later, I see the fruits of that decision, the fruits of trusting in His goodness and the fruits of continued reliance on His faithfulness. As much as I was a part of it, what I'm seeing now was not the result of my hard work or my labour. I'm waiting and expecting this to spread to the other areas of my life - the other burnt stones which I bring, in tears, to Him.
I'm someone who can't focus on too many things at once. Hence I only bring one at a time. Though there are a couple which I know clearly. But this season, it seems like many things are being dugged out of my heart. Feelings I never knew existed, beliefs I never knew were there in the first place. A Father who mothers, who showers His beloved with motherly love...it's quite a mouthful, and to be honest, I still don't quite understand. Well, as I learnt today, love can only be experienced, not said simply or shown by meaningless actions. I'm looking forward to experiencing this first hand...and no one can take this away from me. |
