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| Saturday, April 24, 2004 |
*~...MoOd: hOmEsIcK...~*
Sigh....mummy just called...asked me why i never go home. The sound of her voice just made me feel like crying. Though i don't realli miss home...but i do miss the feel of being home...with mum and dad and my bro around....so warm...so comfortable...so....loved....=(. Can feel the sadness in her voice....knows she wants me back home...sighz....and i realli want to go home....just can't seem to bring myself to do it cos i know i can't do any PS work at home. Well.... aL: Hello Mum: not coming back today? aL: no.... Mum: why not? aL: i need to study.... Mum: thought u said u can't study in hall becos your friends were too noisy? aL: well....my roomie's not around now and it takes realli long to go back... Mum: oh....then are you coming back tomorrow.... aL: i think no...... Mum: so how's your papers? aL: like that lor....ok i guess... Mum: how did you think you've done? aL: don't know...and don;t want to think... Mum: how come you don't know..? aL: dont know...just wait for the results and see lor... Mum: you never realli told us how u did last semester also... aL: i did...told you all i got A's...B's...and C's already.... Mum: ok...have you had your dinner? aL: (lying)yes... Mum: just came back from eating is it...? aL: hmmm? Mum: just came back from dinner is it..? aL: no....had a very late lunch.... Mum: oh okay....then do you have anything to eat tomorrow? Is the canteen open? aL: should have i guess...... Mum: is it.... aL: ya..... SiLenCe... aL: ya.... Mum: okay...don't sleep too late okay... aL: (lying again) okay... Mum: ok...byebye aL: bye... sIghzz....i know she's concerned....and she wants the best for me....but somehow....i don't seem to be able to put in my best....for her....suddenly i feel so guilty....cos i'm always underachieving....ever since primary school. All along...she knew i could have done better than what i did...i knew that too....yet still...i could never put in my best effort in what i do....in terms of my studies....i nevered fulfilled my potential in primary school....nor in secondary school....though i did end up in DHS and people tend to think i did very well. Mum wanted me to go RGS....i know i can make it...but i didn't want to put myself thru the extra effort to do it.... There's always that niggling feeling that i could have done alot better. Didn't do that well in the 'O's too....though better than what i expected of myself cos i thought i would do realli badly...from the slackness in the run up to the exams. Mum wanted me to go Hwa chong after that....could have gone if i had appealed with my cca, and there was a chance too...cos it was a partial cutoff. I didn't want to....cos i hate the idea of being in a top school and i had to psych myself to compete with all these "top" students. I want a more relaxed environment where i can generally slack a bit and still be able to do well. Thus....i went to VJC. The start of JC life was terrible...cos i wanted to enrol in mass comm at ngee ann poly and was super reluctant to go JC....went there cos my mum wanted me to go....oh well. Super antisocial in class....bad in maths....bad in physics....couldn't realli catch up. Well....it was terrible....and i wanted out. Remembered the time when me n mum just sat in the kitchen...both of us crying...me becos i cant keep up with my work....my mum because she knows how bad it is for me. She told me " if i had known that you would go through so much pain now...i would rather you go to poly". My god....i can't believe it....suddenly i feel like i'm so appreciated. ONly then i realised that what she always wanted is not for herself, not because she liked the prestige of me going to the best schools (as she always compared me to her friends' kids who performed better than me)....but she wanted the best for me. I stopped crying...and stared at her with disbelief.......not believing what i just heard. From then, i set myself a target....to do well for the 'A' levels. However...my definition of 'well' is not to ace everything....instead....i thought that getting 2 A's would be good enough...by my standards. When i finally received my A level results......i was shocked....counting the number of 'A's on the result slip.....it amounted to....4......god....i couldn't believe it. I called my mum....once i heard her voice....i broke down...not knowing why... I told her about my results...and she asked me why am i crying....i said " but........i never thought i can ever get 4 A's..." Her reply was surprising...at least to me..."well...i always thought you could". God...this make me cry even more....cos the fact that i have always been underachieving hit home......finally.....and the fact that i always don't aim to reach my full potential contributed to it. The ending was sweet....and i was so proud of my results then....seeing a perfect score for once in my life. It was the best i could do....i know...and i did it.... Ever since i came to uni.....didn't feel the need to study that hard again....cos i came in with the aim of enjoying myself in school. Well....in the first sem.....i realli studied pretty hard...for certain subjects....but this sem....i have to say i feel that i let myself down once again......and hearing my mum's words just made everything that happened before flash back....again.....I was the underachiever....until that moment in year 2002. But now, here i am....back to the old self.....acting to satisfy...nobody...but myself...and only myself.....I feel guilty again....when am i going to start fulfilling my real potential? I'm still looking for that answer.....and i guess i can only find that....in me...... Wonder why that phone conversation led to all this...but it did....sighzz..... Maybe i should try harder.....haiz.....again "maybe"......i realli should start saying "i will"...instead of maybe....waiting and waiting...for that day to come....sighzz....see the problem with me? Even if i want to do it....i cant bring myself to....i need to change....my attitudes....values....all need changes....and hopefully....that will come.....within the next three years...hopefully....no no no....it will. soMetimes i wonder....why are some people so nice to me...all the things they did for me.....do i deserve it................................................. |
| allie ♥ 6:52 PM |
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