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| Tuesday, September 01, 2009 |
In the end, everything turns to naught. Nothing can be done. When the only request made to me that I cannot do, it spells t-h-e e-n-d. I couldn't control it, tears fell in sheets....my heart crying out in pain. To me, this is totally unfair...totally, unfair. Yet the blame was put on me, saying i chose this route. Yes, in a way i did, if i have to take the blame. But what about all the promises that went unfulfilled. What about all the "I will" and " I can" that became "i can't" and "i cannot". I feel victimised for a crime that i did not commit, i feel wronged, feel punished, feel betrayed. I had enough of keeping everything to myself. Is it my fault for not being able to accede one single request? How about the other requests? There's no compromise, the only way was for me to give. And if I can't, that's it. The "compromise" that was worked out before, turned out to be a facade for what lies beneath - an illusion, a mere diversion from the original route. Why am i able to stop trying? Because........i......have already done my best. Truly, sincerely from my heart. The past week i searched my heart, my mind, my soul. Is there anything i withheld...anything i did not do when i could....anything that I could have given way even more. The answer is...no. I really exhausted myself of all that i could. Yet my own two hands cannot keep a simple story going. Everything that happened simply leads me to see that by my own effort, I cannot make it work. IT showed me, clearly, that words are simply cheap. So what if I do what I say...so what? Others don't hold that same thought, hence it doesnt make sense for me to hold others to the same thought. Silly me...when I told myself I wouldn't believe in such words again, I did. What does this say about me again. That even when I try, by my own effort, I cannot do it. Lol....what a joke. Though I reject the pain. It keeps hounding me. It hurts....too much....too much to bear. Whenever I'm alone, I crash. I can't be alone....whether outside or at home...I can't. Yet I crave that privacy, that space, where I can cry all I want and nobody will know. My heart is bleeding....screaming in pain..... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mummy bought me a Gucci bag. I was taken aback, yet at the same time overwhelmed by her sweet love. Mummy told me that she knew I wouldn't bear to spend that kind of money on myself and hence wants me to have it. Since other people's daughter have it, her daughter should have one too. You know...tears rained again. This time, it's not tears of pain, but tears of joy. Touching moments like this really make my day. Love is the sweetest in times of adversity. When you feel the whole world is against you, you're crying in pain, and yet a loved one comes and lights up your day with loving words, a tight hug, or a sweet gift. Recalling the times when I cried so so badly...and my face litted up when it dawned on me how much they love and care for me...which soon turned into tears of joy. Those....are really the most memorable moments. Moments that make me appreciate them alot more. Looking at my family....though I'm not rich, we don't own a car, don't live in a big house...I really have everything. Thinking back to words that was told to me by him, suddenly it dawned on me that I should be thankful for my loving family. People don't comment cos it's bad...people comment cos they're envious or feel it's unfair for me to have that. Honestly, I'm glad I have people to turn to whenever I'm down or in need. Despite the arguments, the disagreements, the scuffles that we have, I know deep down, they're always gonna be there for me. Many times they've told me not to give my heart away so easily...yet that very trait that makes me the person I am lets me down again. Lol...I can't do it myself....i need help. Sorry to friends whose advice i didn't heed. I'm thankful that you all support me no matter what I do, regardless of whether you feel that decision is right, because of who I am, not what I do. If friendship can be so sweet, what more, a lifelong love, an eternal partnership can be. I was told I expect alot. To me, I don't. If I did, I wouldn't be where I am today. I would be working real hard in some high-paying job, driving a car and having it all together, not giving a damn over people who don't bother about me. If I expect alot, he wouldn't have made the cut. It's interesting to see how a simple comment actually shoots itself in the foot, but people can't see it. On one hand, give heart away too easily, on the other hand, expect alot. This doesn't seem to gel. Oh well, I've accepted the comments saying that "lyd is better" and "even ysl (so pretty) also cannot find such a good guy". Hence, the redrawal. The former is disappointing. If I can't even measure up in your eyes, why bother in the first place. The latter, is simply, hilarious. A pretty girl standing right before you and you don't think she's pretty and keep looking to other "pretty" girls. Lol i concede defeat...in that view, not mine. Ok, enough ranting for today. The tears that rained for the past 3 hours have ceased, for the time being. Time to catch up on my "beauty" sleep...goodnight. |
| allie ♥ 10:13 PM |
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