I was reading a friend's blog about a recent incident and cried. I must admit I'm ultra-sensitive these days...cos of all the things that are weighing down my heart and mind. From it, i learnt about sweet, selfless love. From it, i learnt about the importance of treasuring those around you. Every whimper, every small, tiny complaint, has the potential to lead to something big. And two incidents that happened within the space of two weeks have caused me to see this ever so clearly. This needs to be a constant reminder to me...to love and treasure those that have always been there for me through thick and thin. Seeing beyond their words, their actions, right through to their hearts. I know their intentions are good, though the means bewilder me at times. Some hearts, despite my efforts...still can't be seen clearly.
I recall mummy's words when she told me "if he hadn't let you go, you wouldn't be in this state today would you". Now thinking...her words are so true. I'm not a person who can break ties or relationships with a simple line or action. I'm not someone who can leave just because i feel im being unfairly treated. No matter how im being treated, i don't think i'll ever have the heart to leave if he keeps coming back for me. And I actually never realised this until today. Yet mummy knew, all along, exactly how her daughter was like. And I'm just running behind to catch up with her in a race to know myself.
I am resigned, exhausted. The series of events just showed me clearly how a relationship takes two hands to clap. If the right hand move towards the left but the left moves away, there's no synchronisation, no synergy, no sound. It's the constant effort in aligning yourself to the direction of movement of the other hand that produces the sound. I feel like the hand that keeps moving to find the other, while the other hand keeps moving away, motioning for me to follow in whichever direction it goes. If i swing hard enough, it hits, but only momentarily. I might miss a second time, a third time, only to hit it again at the fourth try. If i stop trying, the hand won't come and find me. And the resulting silence is deafening.
Silence rings in my ears. Silence all around in my life. It's gonna be quiet...quiet...quiet...until I move again...until a hand decides to reach for me... |
