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| Tuesday, October 06, 2009 |
It was already a tough day at work, having sprained my ankle in the most unlikely of circumstances - i.e. walking in the office, with me sandwiched between two superiors and getting screaming attention from them. It was not welcomed, and it added on to the mounting pressure I'm facing from him. The harsh judgement, incorrect potrayal accented by the vulgarities. Enough is enough. Although I understand his point, I cannot take this. Neither do I deserve such treatment. No matter what are the reasons behind this behaviour, I cannot live with this treatment. I wish people could just get off my back for abit...especially those closer to me. Cos I'm being squashed in one corner...all my own fault, I know...for giving way...for being unable to pull away and stand on firmly on my own grounds. I can't expect people to understand me and not push me. This is the real world isn't it...that I have to be pushed and squashed and squeezed to no end. Till there's nowhere else for me to go. Till I decide to break out of this cycle and move wherever I want to move. Tears never flowed this hard, this fast. Everything just compounded, making things seem worse than it actually is. There I was, sitting at my desk, tears streaming down my face, people hounding me from the front, back and even on my computer...I cannot take it anymore. Looking away from all this, I wondered if there's anyone I can turn to. And I realised, there's no one. All my friends have become "virtual" friends. That's cos everyone seems to have their own lives after getting attached. Some, I've tried to keep up with, but nothing came out of it. Others, seeing them happily leading attached lives, I've ceased to bother them or ask them out. No one seems to be real anymore. I came back home and looked at my mum, my bro. They're always there when I needed them, yet there's so much I can't share....something holding me back, preventing me from sharing everything. And there are people whom I know will be there, but I've shut them all out since 7 months ago. The only person whom I'm inflicting pain on is myself. Why am I taking all of this on myself once again? And putting myself through this bloody pain? The only person who seemingly "shared" my pain decided not to do so anymore, and inflicted more on me, oblivious to the damage that was caused. Enough is enough. I think I failed to defend myself when it mattered, I failed to walk away from the hurt, the pain, time and time again. Can I blame others for the treatment? No...because I allowed it. I allowed them to treat me like this....I made myself shut everything out, only to cause more pain to myself. At this very moment, despite my circumstances, I know I have alot. Thanks to my job, my family, my friends, and even my colleagues. I can't say I have nothing, because I do have something. Though I've lost, it won't remain my loss forever. It's just so hard, to reinforce that to myself. So hard, to keep telling myself that it's true when everything just goes so wrong. As much as I feel very alone, very down, very painful now, it's not the end of the world. It's one bad day at work, in life, one day in my entire life to date. I'd like very much to have someone to pour things out to, to just be myself without thinking about how the other person might think of me. I'd like to have that someone there for me. At this moment, there seems to be no one...and I'll have to make do crying alone. I don't wish to pretend anymore...that everything is okay. That I can handle it, that it doesn't matter if people don't have time for me. I'm partly at fault...for pretending, for not pushing on, for not being thick-skinned enough to keep trying. Just as I'm writing this, I received a message telling me how I've dashed his dreams, and, nicely laced with vulgarities. Sorry to say this, but this wasn't my fault. I don't wish to trace it to the root cause once again hence I'll just leave it to imagination. Nursing my broken and bruised self...it hurts, literally and figuratively. It can't get any worse, can it? Tomorrow will be a better day, wont it? |
| allie ♥ 10:33 PM |
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