& my world will be coloured.

Friday, September 25, 2009

If only

My lightning Xiao Bai has evolved into a teleporting escapist...grrrrrr....it's getting harder and harder to tame her cos she just moves non-stop!

If only she was slower and more friendly to me...life would be alot easier.

If only she wouldn't bite me...life would be less painful.

If only she would cooperate and be tamed by me...life would be alot happier.

Those...are not really the if only's that are on my mind...lol. Sidetracked.

If only I am appreciated a little more...I probably wouldn't feel so unworthy.

If only someone told me what the end was...I probably wouldn't have let it start.

If only someone told me the truth...I probably would have known.

If only I didn't allow myself to be weak...I wouldn't be crying.

I thought I was being the little girl I always wanted to be...going with the flow, enjoying being cared for, enjoying being a follower. Turned out that the little girl was just a facade. She was expected to be strong, to be that 打不死的蟑螂公住, who just won't give up, who'll will just keep giving in, keep hanging in, yet soft, gentle, easy-going, loving and a keen follower all the same. Peculiar...yes. Ironic...yes.

If only I wasn't the me I am today...I wouldn't have started all this and be in this position.

But the point is...I am me. And that is a fact. Sometime tells me I always paint myself as the victim. Fortunately or unfortunately, this time round, I really am. Instead of feeling sorry for my own plight (which doesn't change anything), I probably should be more constructive.

Everyday wake up dry-eyed, go to sleep in tears, wake up feeling as though I haven't slept in days. I don't like this. I feel helpless...yet I'm seemingly able to help myself. That is, if I resolve and decide to do so. Sometimes when the entire world tells you the same thing, no matter how hard you try to shut it all out, it inevitably gets in. 哭有时，笑有时...sometimes life's lessons can also be learnt...in places where the issues are made up rather than real. Yet some people aspire a life like reel....the irony of it...lol. I'm guilty of it sometimes...cos things just don't go the way you want it to. I can dream, can't I?

allie ♥ 11:40 PM