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| Tuesday, January 15, 2008 |
Have to get out of this habit of blogging in the morning but i guess i won't feel better unless i let it all out. Felt like bursting earlier on...but i guess now im much calmer. A friend told me "What's meant to be yours will be yours". Having been a strong believer of "Your fate lies in your hands", i find this pretty hard to swallow. However, with the recent turn of events, I guess that makes sense after all. One can only control the things within one's control, and not those that are outside of the control boundary. Especially when it concerns other people, "your fate lies in your hands" theory sometimes do not hold. Well i stress...sometimes...not all the time. Perhaps taking his way of thinking to me seems like being resigned to the way life is...but i guess...sometimes i just have to do that. There are things that can be changed, yet there are other things which cannot. As much as i would like to change things, some things are just not within my power. As i always say "Dont worry about the things you cannot control" =). There are times when i wonder if i would be happier being with the one i love even when the person dont love me. I hate to fall into that trap really...but when i take a step back and look at things from the outside...the answer is no. I wanna be with someone whom i love and loves me back...not one-sided in any way. Just like the traditional saying "liu de zhu ta de ren dan liu bu zhu ta de xin" (pardon me if i got it wrong), there seems to be no point in that. What's the point of having someone with you, beside you when the person's mind and heart is not there? Both parties won't be happy and this wouldn't last either. Somehow, repeating that once again makes me feel better. Was just resting my the sofa at home and staring into space earlier today. It felt good...like my mind was clear and relaxed for once in a long long time. Took a few deep breaths...and found that perhaps what im experiencing now isn't new to me after all. And i do think that having experience certain things in life makes one more well-eqipped to understand the situation better. I feel as if i could understand things from two parties' points of view. One from A's view and one from B's view. The situation with A is somehow similar to that with B, just that i was put in different roles. Somehow, when with A, i also felt the feeling fading, and needed time to be away...in order to see things clearly. And thinking back, even when i felt like going back sometimes, i can't bring myself to do it. I needed distance...needed time...before i can be sure of what i really want. Now that i'm in A's shoes...i finally know how difficult it was during this period. I can't help thinking that being a girl seems to make matters worse for me...but i guess it's largely similar. The helplessness, the feeling of the ball not being in your court, and the fact that there isnt anything you can do to make things better...sux big time. But somehow, when things reached that stage, there's really nothing you can do. Two choices are available: to hang on and hope for the best, or to completely let go. Till now, I havent exactly decided which route to take...typical of my indecisive nature when it comes to things like this. Sometimes i wish i could be the person i am at work when i know what i want and i go and get it. My head tells me to opt for the latter...but sometimes i can't bring myself to do so. It's a continuous struggle...to keep sticking to a decision or option you've chosen. It's hard...very hard. Before letting go, one has to face up to reality: the person not loving you anymore, that things wont work out, that you cant have what you want, that the person is happier without you, that sweet memories are just a thing of the past, that he's not yours anymore, and he would be happier with someone else. Letting go is tough...cos it's not just made of the two words "let" and "go". There are so many aspects of it. Letting go of the person, the hurt, the feelings, the love that was shared, the sweet memories, the not-so-sweet memories, the bond, the hope, the pain, the the emotional attachment and burden. Sometimes you let go of certain aspects, but the attachment to other aspects is still there. I guess what made this difficult for me was how the relationship seem perfect to me and suddenly the perfectness turned to nothing. It's hard to face it... and even more difficult to let it go. Understanding A's situation then shed new light onto the picture. I remembered how i didnt wanna hurt anyone but in the end had to because there was no other way. I was still concerned about how A was doing...though i needed distance and was reluctant to talk then. This scenario seems so similar to mine now...except for the reversal of roles. Though the two situations might not be as similar as i made them out to be. Somehow, it brought a new perspective to the whole situation. I guess being in A's shoes then...and mine now...is the worse of the two. But somebody has to go through that, just that this time it's me. Though if possible, i wouldnt want anyone to go through this...but it is...impossible. It's part and parcel of life and one can only come out stronger eventually. I hate to say this. But one only knows how much a person mean to him/her when he/she loses it. It's not healthy...not at all. But it happens...all the time. So treasure the people you love, while you still have them =). Phew...feels alot better when everything is out. Shall try to improve my language the next time round =). |
| allie ♥ 9:36 AM |
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